some relief...

oh, there is *so very much* to say. and, in the spirit of self-care i am choosing not to write in-depth about all of it tonight. i need some resting time before i climb into bed and close my eyes for delicious hours of dreaming & tangoing with the spirits.

for now, i will say that this morning i experienced an opening. i made a discovery. i have been pressing up against this discovery for weeks now, with increasing intensity (or, perhaps it is that this discovery has been pressing up against me...or, both?!) . my discovery certainly contains ideas i was already thinking about (for years & years). i look at it and i think kindly: "of course. it's simple. basic." and, yet, this morning, i really received it and i am holding it with a deeper (and uncomplicated) knowing.

here is my discovery: i don't need to be any other way. there is nothing wrong with me. there is nothing lacking or missing. all i need to be is me. fully me. i don't need to apologize for being me. i don't need to hide. i am enough as i am. [what a relief!] moment to moment. i am doing the best i can. i need to respond to the internal calls not the external (real and/or assumed) calls, pushes, pulls or demands. my home is with me and i create the house rules. it's time to come home & rest & be. and, remember, again & again & again, i am not separate. remembering these words from Desiderata, "You are a child of the universe/no less than the trees and the stars;/you have a right to be here."

i do look forward to returning here after some time away. tomorrow evening i am flying north to boston to visit with some beloved friends, friends who are family. i am looking forward to warm embraces, hands to hold, belly laughter, tears, cups of tea, soul-full conversations and other kinds of magic. i am looking forward to being in a new physical space. i am looking forward to exhaling and exhaling more...

may we all greet each other at our own front doors and embrace ourselves and welcome ourselves home. bless you.

32 & "to know the resilience of green"

1. today is my 32nd birthday & i am creating this list of 32!
   
2. today i wore the color orange.
3. my nest is full of eucalyptus & daisies & other color-full flowers. thanks, m.!
   
4. i now have a dvd player & new silver hoop earrings. thanks, fam!
5. i also have an aero-bed. thanks, s. & a.
6. i have received oodles of love e-mails & texts & cards & gifts & phone calls & hugs from philadelphia & portland, maine & portland, oregon & senegal, africa & colorado & new jersey & virginia & california & wyoming & new york city & rhode island & vermont & washington, dc.
7. i teared up while reading/receiving this message from j., "HAPPY days are ahead".
   
8. my co-workers surprised me by organizing a little gathering at one of my favorite sweet spots in the city. i enjoyed a warm chai latte & a chocolate cupcake with peanut butter icing. yummy! i also enjoyed sitting in a circle with these people, my co-workers, for whom i have the deepest affection. they create a space of light & laughter daily. awe-some.
9. bella placed a shiny birthday penny on my path which i discovered as i crossed over 15th street on my way back to work after an inspiring early morning meeting at a local university.
   
10. i received Chris Heeter's Wild Thoughts in my e-mail inbox and i am delighting in the perfection of this: "In a matter of days the landscape has transformed itself./Dusty brown fields now glow green/in the wake of storms./...green was still there, just out of sight,/waiting for the rains to awaken the hue./...To trust that the rains will come,/to follow the guidance of bright flowers,/to know the resilience of green.../This is a faith all its own."
11. on saturday i will be celebrating my birthday at the beach with my beloved roomie, l. l. is no longer my roomie. we live close by, three blocks between my nest & her nest. i will probably always refer to her as "my roomie."
12. i made a wish for clarity.
13. i made a wish for love.
14. next week i will travel to boston to visit with friends. soul friends. friends who are family.
15. this year, in autumn, i will travel to portland, maine for the first time.
16. this year i will attend my 10 year college reunion.
17. this year i will be ordained an interfaith minister.
18. this year friends from dc, ohio & colorado (and, perhaps friends from other places!) will visit me in my city & stay in my nest & rest their bodies on my brand new aero-bed!
    
19. this year i am being light.
20. i am writing.
    
21. i am collaging.
    
22. i am praying.
23. i am practicing & deepening my yoga practice.
24. i am practicing & deepening my meditation practice.
25. i am reading.
26. i am YES!
27. i am allowing.
28. i am creating structures that support me.
29. i am showing up.
30. i am dancing.
31. i am birthing.
32. i am grateful.

making my way back here...

it is my birthday eVe!
my heart is fuLL.
i am gUSHing with gratitude.
for my LifE.
for the endless, endless, endless GifTs & gRaceS...

*friendSHIP & preSenCe & SISterhood & all kinds of deLicIoUs-neSS: rendezvous-ing in nyc with one of my beloved friends from california in the midst of a storm & eating warm prosciutto, asparagus and goat cheese sandwiches & taking a misty, friday evening walk in search of dessert/warm beverages & continuing the conversation that began long, long ago; an unusually cool, blue sky, summer, early saturday morning in brooklyn with a. and b. filled with warm, homemade blueberry muffins and earl grey tea conversation; sunday evening dinner at my nest with darling l. & a walk in the rain to sip warm drinks and share a rich peanut butter chocolate dessert and an equally flavor-full conversation; and, a 20 1/2 hour visit with my dear friends, s. and a., and their doggie dear & eating pizza at my favorite pizza place & playing cards & conversing & being at home & laughing & asking questions & celebrating birthdays and their anniversary & going out to dinner, sipping mojitos and sharing bites & enjoying warm beverages made with love at the coffee shop on the corner & taking walks with the doggie dear in the pouring rain & it all being perfect.
*fAMily: sharing tomorrow evening in the big city with my bro, momma and poppa & receiving an e-mail from my momma today with these words..."this time 32 years ago you and me were packing for the hospital. love you and kiss you and hug you. you my baby."
*aDveNtuRe: planning a journey in this new year in my life to heart-shaped Africa. Africa is the place beloved bella spoke of & imagined traveling to since she was a wee one. Africa is the continent from which sweet bella journeyed on to participate in adventures beyond this physical, earthly realm.
*mAiL: assorted & col0r-full & generous & thought-full treasures in my mailbox.
*WorDs: "The sun hears the fields talking about effort/and the sun/smiles,/and whispers to/me,/"Why don't the fields just rest, for/I am willing to do/everything/to help them/grow?"/Rest, my dears, in/prayer." (St. Catherine of Siena, in Love Poems from God, Daniel Ladinsky, translator)
*sEASons: enjoying this summer season & considering a new season in my external landscape (autumn) & internal terrain (recently the image of a fetus keeps showing up in my mind/heart/spirit space).
*raIn: a string of rainy days. the universe releasing her tears? mirrors my own releasing. i love how this tender soul speaks of tears: "sacred water. goddess water. holy water."
*grEEn: my color these days & the color of the 4th chakra.

tonight, dear ones, i wish you rest. deep, nourishing, uninterrupted & dreamy rest. bless you & your beloved ones.