waking up

rising
fresh,
naturally,
without having set the alarm clock
this cool
bright
blue sky
autumn morning.

i wake smiling
under the covers.

i love fall!

i love the colors
the scents in the air
increasing
firelight
&
candlelight
unearthing stored
sweaters
&
blankets
enjoying
pumpkin pie
&
eating warm foods
&
baking
breathing in
crisp air,
the cool & refreshing
breath of god/dess.

this is where i am spending time
at the beginning
of this day.
usually
this is where i come
at the end
of my days.
days recently
full of
exhaustion
sadness
darkness
anxiety
weight
grief.

i've been speechless lately.

i've been receiving the message:
listen to & follow your heart, dear girl.
and, please, please, please take really good care of you.

truth-fully
all i've wanted to do is lay down this week.
and, i have been (at least after my work day).
yet, there is a part of me that wasn't allowing me
fully
to settle in to the laying down, the resting.
there is a part of me that still thinks
i have to do something
to cause a shift
to create a shift
out of
darkness
exhaustion
worry
weight...

and, i recognize, that sometimes this is true & appropriate: to do.
and, sometimes, my work is simply
allowing.
letting me
be
still
and
quiet.
being as light
and
gentle
as i am able/available.
softening.
letting it lift,
shift,
unfurl
naturally.

now
i am looking at a card on my desk that a dear friend, sb, sent to me for my birthday.
there is a black & white photo of a little boy standing on the beach, the waves crashing behind him,
his arms raised high,
fists clenched
champion-like
and these words written in bright orange:
"yes! You can do IT!"

what am i saying,
exclaiming,
proclaiming
"yes!"
to
this morning?

yes! to partnership & intimacy (with spirit, friends & a life partner).
yes! to being a mother.
yes! to welcoming this new season.
yes! to a 2.5 day visit with my dear friend, with whom i share the same name, different spelling. she arrives in less than 4 hours!
yes! to taking really good care of my body, mind & spirit.
yes! to time with nature.
yes! to writing.
yes! to listening fully & deeply to my divine heart.
yes! to living with integrity.
yes! to communicating responsibly.
yes! to stillness, quietness, ease, gentleness & grace.
yes! to whole-ness.
yes! to health & well-being.
yes! to trusting & truth-telling.
yes! to loving.
yes! to being at home.

and, you, dear heart, what are you exclaiming & proclaiming yes! to this day?

*stellar

looking through old e-mails tonight. i re-discovered this one, from january 20, 2006, 4 months before bella's physical death...

"hello, sweet girl!

...honey, i am so proud of you. somehow your departure didn't register until it was happening. you know, what a big step in your humanbeingness that this is. and, i did all the things (forgive me) that parents do. i thought about when momma was carrying you and when you came home from the hospital and how i couldn't wait to hear what your voice would sound like when you spoke and who you would grow up and into being. you are stellar. do you know? i have a great life and [bella], i must tell you, you are at the tippy-top of that list of what makes my life so great...loving you as much as i do. thank you for being you and alive and well...

speaking of well. you sound well. did i tell you how ireland and studying abroad was a big healing time for me? huge. the biggest and best healing i'd known in my life up to that point. these moments are unforgettable. you are in the perfect spot.

that's all for now, ma cherie. i adore you like crazy. keep sending the yummy e-mails. we'll continue to send you prayers of safety, sassiness, wellness & at home-ness.

i love you.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo & bizillionkatrilliongazillion..."

these are the things that continue to expand: having a great life; the privilege of loving bella; being in the perfect spot; the gratitude; being proud; the healing; the moments; adoring; sending prayers; the love, love, love...

here

my time in boston and the timing of my journey to boston was perfect. perfectly divine. visiting with the most tender creatures. each creature providing me with the perfect gifts and invitations. i received (and i am continuing to receive) the gifts of: feeling at home; giving voice to what i need in particular moments (e.g., to cry, to rest, to be quiet); laughter; envisioning my future; light-ness; allowing; grounding; not apologizing for my way(s) of being; abundance; energy; connection; activism; gentle-ness; soul-full-ness; fresh air; blue, blue skies; sunshine; rest; answers to my heart's & my soul's questions; direction, a solid sense of where to channel my energy; affirmation (all is well. i am well.); love; gratitude; hugs; cups & cups & cups of tea; space to release tears; walks; sharing a room with k. and enjoying late night conversations in the space between our two twin beds, feeling our sister-hood; clarity; and, family.

as i think of my late night conversations with k. and the words traveling through the space between our twin beds, i remember and i honor the space between the literal twin beds that me and my sister, bella, shared at my parents' home during her familiar, physical life and the conversation that we share now in the space between our metaphorical twin beds. as in my conversations with k., i recognize that there is no distance, no space that my conversations cross with bella. these are the conversations of our heart, an expression of our shared heart. we are one another. i am you and you are me. there is no difference. there is no separation.

lately in my journey, the journey i was invited to at the moment of bella's physical death, i am aware of what a radical shift this is. as i make my journey i am aware of always holding many things at the same time: gratitude; the miraculous; a sense of being taken care of; peace-full-ness; grace-full-ness; wisdom; spirit; presence; a sense of being grounded; continued & deepened relationship with bella; a sense of being un-grounded; joy; sadness; dis-orientation; exhaustion; fear; wonder; shock; worry; hope; trust...

sometimes, i am rooted/oriented in/around a particular thing or hand-full of things while, in some way, holding all of the rest. all of this, no doubt, per the universe's request/nudging/guidance.

these days i need to give voice to: how radically different my life is; how sad and literally heart-broken i feel sometimes; how in awe i am of what it's really, really like to live this journey and how often i experience the absence of words to describe this; how many tears there are in me to be released & released & released; how much i remember about bella's familiar physical presence and our relationship during the time of her physical life and how much i miss that...

please know, that this does not dismiss or conceal the rest, the whole, the abundance of the all of what i am holding. it is simply that i need, i must give voice to this, to these pieces.

thank you for holding the space. bless you and all of the pieces and things that you are holding.