packin' up

to heart-shaped Africa i am going. we (me & my momma) fly on friday early evening. to the land from which my dear bella's spirit rose to twirl & tango with the moon & the stars...to be of service in new ways.

here i go. it feels like i am "returning" to a land that has been calling out to me forever & ever. since the beginning & before the beginning. returning...even though i have never been to Africa in my physical body in this lifetime.

one of the gazillions of squealing-with-delight delights: taking bella's stuffed animal love that my momma, big bro & i purchased in july 1985, weeks before bella's birth. bella took her stuffed precious moments lamb love with her everywhere. everywhere except Africa. she left him for us. this lamb love is taking flight with us, too. and, no, no, no he will not be "checked."

bless you and all of your pilgrim voyages, internal & external, in the moments, hours, mornings, nights, days and weeks to come.

love is my name

here's to a day(s) lived with love. with all things, being & doing, rooted in love. love: my/our true home, temple, sanctuary...

"To say that I am made in the image of God [Goddess/Light/Spirit...]
is to say that love is the reason
for my existence, for God [Goddess/Light/Spirit...] is love.
Love is my true identity...
Love is my true character.
Love is my name."
-Thomas Merton

today...

may our hearts be open.
full.
still.
receiving.
may we breathe deeply.
joy-fully.
prayer-fully.
wish-fully.
may we rise.
in light.
in grace.
in truth.
may we rest in the
delicious
tender
wonder
of it all.

the universe speaks

sometimes i am speechless. without words. unable to build the structure of a word, to put it all in the container of a word(s). sometimes there is complete silence. nothingness. spaciousness. this is when the universe provides the words, speaks on my behalf, prays on my behalf, breathes on my behalf. "please send angels to hold her & keep her warm," she says. "please keep showing her the way. guiding, guiding, guiding her gently through the darkest corners, hours & days. keep lighting the sun & the moon & the stars & the candles & the twinkle-lights. guiding her home." i allow the universe to create the itinerary, look at the map & do the driving.

interesting to consider, i think: as i am a vessel for the divine, the divine is a vessel for me. we, the divine & i, are the same then, yes?

do you ever feel this way?

tiny bird

the egg hatched.
i have broken through.
here i am.

"...to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest..."
-from "Please Call Me By My True Names" by Thich Nhat Hanh

sunday beauty

such beauty...
*this post: can you hear the lovely song the birds are singing?
*these inspiring/spirited words/teachings:

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us."
-Joseph Campbell (discovered here)

"The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, 'If you will take care of me, I will take care of you.' Now I say, 'I will take care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.'"
-Jim Rohn (discovered here)

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds."
-Edward Abbey (discovered here)

"In the desert winter night, good and warm in a duck down bag, the silence is so intense that you can hear your own blood roar in your ears. But louder than that by far is the mysterious roar which I always identify with the roaring of the diamond of wisdom, the mysterious roar of silence itself, reminding you of something you seem to have forgotten in the stress of your days since birth."
-Jack Kerouac from Dharma Bums (discovered here)

*this love & this story
*Yes We Can
*these questions/this inquiry from here:
"What sort of person would you most like to be? What are the character traits that you would most like to personify? When you are confronting a dilemma or choice, ask yourself which outcomes will take you closer toward being the sort of person you are trying to become, and which outcomes take you farther from that goal."
*this wish for me & you:

what would i do

the brave and soul-full Jen Ballantyne asked this real and true question: what would i do if i only had 12 months to live?

awake in the dark in the early morning hours i remembered this question. this question that was asked of me (as a reader visiting Jen's blog for the first time on friday). here is what is emerging for me in response...

i would clarify/focus my intention/attention. i would remember my purpose for being here, on this earthly plane at this time, in this place: presence & healing. i would continue to write (a holy calling of mine). i would continue to write love letters & send treasures in the mail (one of my favorite things!). i would keep telling people how much i love, adore & cherish them. i would tell my family, community & tribe how they have given me life & saved me again and again and again; i would keep telling them how grateful i am for them. i would pray constantly, speaking to the closest & dearest partner i've known in this lifetime: spirit/wisdom/love. i would go with the flow & remember to pause and redirect my energy (sooner) when realizing that i was blocking the flow/getting in the way of source/life/spirit. i would let go of the tightness, the holding in my body and mind. i would write a list of the places in my life where my integrity was out and restore the integrity in each place, one by one. i would let myself fall in love in new, deeper, surprising & mysterious ways. i would forgive myself for my (perfect) imperfections. i would ask some souls for their forgiveness for the ways in which i was unjust, unkind and hurtful. i would enter into the delicious-ness, the tasty-ness of each moment. i would taste each bite of food. i would remind myself to look, to see what is. i would create rituals & i would invite others to participate. i would ask others to sit with me, to be with me, to hold me, to create rituals for me. i would speak the truth and only the truth/the heart of the matter. i would grieve. i would howl, scream, cry, sob. i would, no doubt, let go more. i would allow for more be-ing and less do-ing. i would take deep, deep breaths. i would call on bella. i would call on my maternal grandmother. i would dance. i would sing. i would free myself. i would laugh, deep belly laughs. i would be light.

thank you, Jen, for this opportunity, for the invitation to the table of your heart, for including me/us in your journey.

sunday's treasures

• romaine lettuce, mung bean sprouts & baby bok choy salad dressed with homemade asian dressing
• 3rd chakra exploration
• listening to Eckhart Tolle, Snatam Kaur (these songs: By Thy Grace and Long Time Sun), Karen Drucker (this CD: Songs of the Spirit, vol. 2) & Devi Premal/Miten (this song: So Much Magnificence)
  
• foot love: arnica montana & traumeel
• sleeping for nearly 10 hours last night
• releasing tears, holding, grief
• the gift of a tribe of women who i call & when receiving their voice mails i am safe to spill open & sob
• telling the truth: i'm scared
  
• returned phone calls & messages
• laughter
• connecting with bloggie beauties in/through this space
• this word, this prayer: union
• identifying the perfect gift to give my big bro before me & momma travel to africa
• gratitude for my life
• remembering: the present moment
• be-ing in/with my body
  
• you
  

faerie dust

do you believe in faeries/fairies? i do. here's a sprinkling of faerie dust for you:

*"The dance of life lasts for all eternity. Take part in it." a card from The Wisdom of Elves and Fairies by Gayan Sylvie Winter
*this song (discovered here)
*these Juicy Living Cards (by SARK): "Breathe/Yes/it's O.K./Go Back To Sleep/Call later/Nap/Quit/Sleep/Nap/it's O.K./Actually, I don't feel like it/Go Without Me/No Worries/Clock of Forgiveness" and "Go To Where You Want To Be, and The Resources Will Follow/I Bring You Gorgeous Flowers To Stand Beside Your Gorgeous Self"
*lavendar. the color & scent.
*my practice/observation this month: Tapas/Austerity. from the Karma Yoga Department/Kripalu Center: "Tapas is the generating of heat and light. The heat is a psychosomatic energy that heats and purifies the body/mind...The practice of tapas is to follow through with our intentions and disciplines...Often we have to practice, practice, practice. We set an intention, follow it, fall short of our expectations, and try again and again and again. Using a discipline is part of re-patterning our inner reality, shifting our conditioning so that we can develop our highest expression in this life. Joyfulness with our outer discipline will lead to inner discipline with joy!" to read more, here's a linky-link.
*remembering in the dark, in the deep late night, my word for 2008: "believe."
*Clowns Without Borders: "no child without a smile"
*one of the queens of faerie dust sprinkling: pERiwINKle
*and, another: daisies
*and, another: jen lemen
*hippo memories, including this one.
*animal totems: one of my animal totems is the magpie.

peace in the process

this evening i sit. earlier i sat with my foot in an ice bath. one of many help-full suggestions offered by a generous soul who has worked as a physical therapist. a soul who was in our new office space today connecting our computers. i have met this man before. i did not know that this intersection of right foot ache & office move would gift me with such wisdom.

i am in awe, once again, of how i am being called to "step" out of the way and just allow spirit to work, flow, guide. his way lightened my heavy-ness. he stopped what he was doing and heard all of my, "i'm freaking out. i'm going to africa in three weeks..." he put down his tools and wires and asked me to take off my shoes, felt my feet, looked at my alignment (head to foot) and told me what he saw. no drama. no "i'm an expert." no insta-fix solution. just his ease-full offering. anointing. i am taken care of. i am so taken care of. i allow this.

i am growing in understanding that i must be an active participant in the healing of my physical body. i am getting this in my journey with food (supported by an exploration of Natalia Rose's work). now i am receiving it in a new way. today i remembered that my right foot has held and experienced much injury since my first year of college in 1993. i want to forget this history and simply push through and out of this (to not be in it as much as is possible). it is time to listen, to engage, to participate. not to simply deal with the inconvenience of it all (i.e., resist) & get through it. my body is calling for so much more than this. my body is calling for me. all is well.