at home in my lil' nest

i've been away from my lil' urban nest for days. i returned a short while ago. i turned on the heat & my twinkle lights & put on some of my favorite holiday tunes, John Denver's Rocky Mountain Christmas. i did all of this before taking off my coat or unpacking a single thing from my bags. my priorities: warmth, color, light & music.

i am filled up with the richness of recent days. family. candlelight. music. movies (this one on dvd and this one at the movie theater). hot cocoa with marshmallows. pie (pumpkin, apple & coconut custard!). a thanksgiving day walk with my momma, our fam's doggie dear and one of bella's dearest friends. the presence of family friends. [just a word about presence...it means so much, your/our presence. always, of course. and, especially, when people's hearts are broken and they are standing (sometimes barely, always bravely) in awe of the depth of the ache they are feeling. as it was for me this thanksgiving, missing bella so much.] snuggling with my momma on the couch and falling asleep while resting my head on her chest. preparing chocolate chip walnut cookie dough to freeze & bake at christmas*time. calling, texting & e-mailing beloved friends to say, "thank you for being. i love you." a haircut. getting a manicure/pedicure with momma. donating here. egg nog with nutmeg sprinkled on top. purchasing two of these. rest. finding these words at church this a.m.: "Someday after the long, dark waiting there will be Light..." hearing the invitation this a.m. at church: "watch. be watchFULL in the waiting."

it is the season of advent. a season i am celebrating. a season all are invited to celebrate as s/he wishes, as s/he is called. advent means: "a coming into place, view, or being; arrival." it is this that i am celebrating: a season of coming into place, view or being; a season honoring arrival & birth. as i begin my celebration of this season i am honoring the dark, the unseen, the waiting & the promise of light.

giving thanks

i am thanksFULL for:
*my family.
*my work.
*my co-workers.
*my nest.
*the view from my nest. looking out into the dark evening/night and seeing buildings with windows and rooms filled with light. light in the dark. makes me think of this post by Jen Lee.
*friday's snowflakes.
*my tribe.
*phone conversations.
*plans.
*lists.
*art making.
*healing.
*kundalini yoga.
*prayer.
*possibility.
*tea.
*weekly tea dates with t.
*candlelight.
*twinklelight.
*movies.
*photos.
*two voice mail messages from bella saved on my phone. i know both of these messages by heart.
*this year's journey to heart-shaped Africa.
*my spiritual director.
*bodywork.
*books.
*baking.
*the election of Barack Obama as the next President of the United States.
*scarves.
*music.
*dancing.
*the opportunity to practice mindFULLness while washing dishes.
*inspiration.
*birth.
*resurrection.
*renewal.
*loving & connecting text & pix messages.
*mail.
*handwritten notes.
*journaling.
*attending & completing seminary & being ordained an interfaith minister.
*reiki.
*farmers markets.
*wild horses.
*my hometown.
*the gift of walking.
*hugs.
*forgiveness. in particular, self-forgiveness.
*polka dots.
*seasons.
*doggie dears.
*meditation.
*my rosary beads & my mala beads.
*trees.
*color.
*hardwood floors.
*pajamas.
*blankets.
*honoring myself, my whole self.

marinating in the bliss

as i write this, with the intention to post it in the early a.m., i am marinating in the bliss of being in the presence of the great, wise Mary Oliver. i wrote to a friend, "with each spoken word it felt as if she was offering me/us a communion wafer." it was a holy and sweet time. no doubt, i will wake in the morning of this thanks*giving eve, also my big bro's 35th birth*day, marinating still.

i am in touch with my deepest cravings (for): quiet prayer, gentle partnership, fresh air communion, the freedom of forgiveness and still*full presence.

"What i want to say is that the past is the past and the present is what [my] life is and [I am] capable of choosing what that will be [me, a] darling citizen. So [I will] come to the pond, or the river of [my] imagination, or the harbor of [my] longing, and put [my] lips to the world. And live [my] life."
-from "Mornings at Blackwater" by Mary Oliver

i love a list

a list of delights & discoveries:
*the birth of Cedar Leonard Kroon!
*Kindred. i heart my new desk*top wallpaper.
*GOOP: nourish the inner aspect by Gwyneth Paltrow. i signed up for the weekly newsletter. divine! example: last thursday mornin' i received a newsletter filled with recipes like these: "Carmelized Brussels Sprouts"; "Cranberry Chutney"; "Roasted Sweet Potatoes with Maple Syrup, Orange and Spices"; and, "Pumpkin Ice Cream Pie with Maple Whipped Cream."
*this JOY + RIDE: issue five.
*Jen Lee and her creation, Solstice: Stories of Light in the Dark.
*sending out an abundance of love*full, light*full, musical & thanks*full notes & packages to beauties in california, washington, maine, massachusetts, ohio & virginia.
*making donations to things i believe in. i am planning to make a donation to this. care to join me? all hearts are being called...
*this wisdom by Henri Nouwen (from his book, The Inner Voice of Love): "Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity."

true home

Our true home is in the present moment.
To live in the present moment is a miracle.
The miracle is not to walk on water.
The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment,
to appreciate the peace and beauty that are available now.
Peace is all around us-
in the world and in nature-
and within us-
in our bodies and our spirits.
Once we learn to touch the peace,
we will be healed and transformed.
It is not a matter of faith;
it is a matter of practice.
-Thich Nhat Hanh

yes, yes, yes!

if Oprah asked me, "What do you know for sure?" this would be my response, "The miracle is not to walk on water. The miracle is to walk on the green Earth in the present moment...it is a matter of practice."

dear mother earth & more: Sacred Life Sunday

elements of my :

*i discovered this prayer in the prayer book, LIFE PRAYERS FROM AROUND THE WORLD, edited by Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon. this is my prayer for today, for all my days.

Please, dear mother Earth,
Help me to stand firm on my own two feet
Drawing on the solid earth below me
Help me to know the constancy of your strength
the power that is you, oh dear mother earth
Help me to walk with the blood of rivers in my veins
and the dark crumbling soil of earth in my flesh
Let my muscles be strong as the tree trunks
that rise up out of your belly
To dance in the sky
and sing praises to the life all around
Beating, pulsing, rich and full
with your sweet sure energy.
Oh dear mother earth,
Live in this body today.
Sing loudly in every breath I take
Stretch wildly and flow freely
with all the directions I move
and come home with me,
come home to my belly
live deep in my soul
oh mother earth, SING!
-Stephanie Kaza

*a 1 hour 36 minutes & 18 seconds reconnecting phone conversation with a beloved sister who lives in laramie, wyoming. hearing that she is well and happy. this is a victory! a few years ago she proclaimed with humor (one of her magnificent gifts) and truth*fully that her life resembled a Lifetime movie. i am blessed with an abundance of soul*sisters. lucky, lucky, lucky me.

*remembering the delicious*ness of last night's dinner & nourishing conversation with another soul*sister. after dinner, a night of heart*moving sacred singing/chanting/Kirtan.

*in less than 2 hours i will embrace a sweet soul from portland, maine & her co-worker, who are in my city on business. we will celebrate thanks*giving & dine together!

*baking a family favorite cookie: coconut thumbprint cookies with raspberry preserves.

*wearing bella's pink sweater and a piece of jewelry (purchased in honor of my love for bella and her love for me) made by the divine Thea Coughlin.

*looking forward to this week: lunch with a friend at a favorite spot on monday afternoon; a kundalini yoga class on monday night; a tuesday afternoon reunion with a marvelous being, who i have not seen in over 9 years; going to see & listen to the great poet Mary Oliver on tuesday night; big bro's birthday on wednesday; a vinyasa yoga class on wednesday morning & dedicating this practice to my big bro; being at my parents' home with my bro & our fam's angel dog on wednesday afternoon - sunday; and, enjoying good food, fresh air, movies, games and all kinds of cozy*ness.

10 questions & 10 answers

i dig the television show, Inside the Actors Studio. one of my favorite parts of the show is at the end when the host, James Lipton, asks his guest(s) a series of questions (questions inspired by Bernard Pivot, who hosted a series entitled, Bouillon de Culture).

here are these 10 questions & my 10 answers:

1. What is your favorite word? gentle (is one of my favorite words)
   
2. What is your least favorite word? hate
3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? fresh air
   
4. What turns you off? violence
   
5. What is your favorite curse word? i don't have a favorite curse word. it's not that i never curse, certainly not. it's just that i never feel good after i curse. it just feels off for me/not aligned and mostly i feel icky after i curse and i want to take my word(s) back.
   
6. What sound or noise do you love? the sound of snow falling (i listened to this sound on friday morning...lucky me!)
   
7. What sound or noise do you hate? horns honking in traffic
   
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? being a nurse
   
9. What profession would you not like to do? work in a fast food establishment
   
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? welcome home. you did good. real good. mission accomplished. you listened. you learned. you let go and you let go some more and then some more. you remembered and you believed that i was always with you, guiding you and loving you. thank you for fully embracing and fully living the gift of your creation.
    

want to play along? comment and leave your answer(s) to a question or two or ten or leave a link to a post on your blog in which you answer these questions.

Friday Fill-ins: pre*Thanksgiving

here are my :

1. The last band/musician I saw live was Catie Curtis.
2. What I look forward to most on Thanksgiving is being at home with my family in the small town i grew up in, away from the city, for nourishing & tasty days & activities.
3. My Christmas/holiday shopping is continuing!
4. Thoughts of inspiring & life*affirming creative projects fill my head.
5. I wish I could wear with ease & comfort: shoes. when it comes to wearing shoes, i have very sensitive feet (sensitive to blistering, aches & pains).
6. Bagpipes are something my momma loves. for my beloved angel*sister's celebration of life service, as a gift to my momma, i hired a bagpiper to play.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to baking, tomorrow my plans include yoga, a celebratory dinner with a friend & a special concert and Sunday, I want to plan for the week ahead, go to a church/worship service & spend some delicious time with a dear portland, maine friend, who will be in my city!

wildflowers

"Wildflowers"
by Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worry
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

for bella, for me & for you...this perfect song that i heard tonight during my kundalini yoga class.

i just need to say it

today i exchanged a series of e-mails with my m. e-mails about thanks*giving eve/my big bro's b*day, thanks*giving day & thanks*giving weekend plans & details. in our final exchange about thanks*giving & birth*day details my m. wrote, "it's terrible without [bella] here [now, at this thanks*giving & birth*day time]...isn't it?...there, i just need to say it."

i read her words & it was as if a button had been pushed & the grief & the sorrow rose up (imagine the grief dwelling underground & then getting on the elevator in the basement & making it's way up to the 77th floor in 1.3 seconds) & tears filled my eyes (entirely). i wrote back, "it is. heartbreakingly painful without bella's familiar physical presence."

again, i am in awe of this grief journey. again, i am aware of how radical death is. my life, my being, is completely altered. and, this is not bad. no. there is no judgment in the naming of this transformation. it just is mind*blowingly incomprehensible sometimes. i have cried streams, lakes, rivers & oceans...tomorrow it will be 2 1/2 years, 30 months exactly, since bella died.

The Beckoning of Lovely

i found this link via my topography (specifically in the "Currently I am into..." portion of Christina's blog).

The Beckoning of Lovely is wildly inspiring...i trust it will make your heart sing as it does mine.

check it out & get merry:

now is the time

"Now is the time,
To climb up the mountain
And reason against habit,
Now is the time...

Now is the time
To commence the litany of hope,
Now is the time..."

-Mzwakhe Mbuli

some kind of magic

yesterday was some kind of magic. it began with a smile from a stranger on the street as i walked to work. [later in the day i received a kind wink from another.] smiles (and kind winks) do make a difference. lifted up, my entire being smiled. i walked lightly, power*fully and remembered my current mantra: rise.

images of playing tennis (as i did for many, many years while growing up) come to mind when i think of my mantra. specifically, the image of leaning towards and getting behind the ball to power*fully return a hit coming from the one on the other side of the net. this is a stance of responding (versus reacting). it's a stance of yes to life and yes to movement and activism and yes to my power. it's a stance of watching attentively and moving grace*fully.

as i honor this mantra, i recognize that every time i choose to rise i get the chance to dance with flow. to go, partner and play with flow. guiding me to what i call in alignment choices, none too small or ordinary: purchasing a surprise gift for a special someone (something i had been thinking about for a while; i'd been waiting for the right time to purchase it); choosing the dvd's i chose to check out of the library; coming home after a full day at work and resting (rather than washing dishes, checking e-mail, etc.) before going out to meet with a friend; and, tucking myself into bed for a long sleep (rather than turning on the television or reading) after a sweet night of sipping wine and tasting good food with a friend.

this is how i love

a couple of weeks ago i received an e-mail from a soul*sister across the country. she wrote, "I heard this poem on my way home on NPR....It reminded me of your appreciation for the small things...."

yes, this is what my life's calling is: seeing, appreciating, celebrating & sharing the small, daily, ordinary, miraculous, alive things. this is how i love. this is how i pray & worship.

The Patience of Ordinary Things
by Pat Schneider

It is a kind of love, is it not?
How the cup holds the tea,
How the chair stands sturdy and foursquare,
How the floor receives the bottoms of shoes
Or toes. How soles of feet know
Where they're supposed to be.
I've been thinking about the patience
Of ordinary things, how clothes
Wait respectfully in closets
And soap dries quietly in the dish,
And towels drink the wet
From the skin of the back.
And the lovely repetition of stairs.
And what is more generous than a window?

from Another River: New and Selected Poems.

heart*warming

check out this sweet*ness:

you & me...together

word*less these days. tear*full. in*spired. hope*full. thinkin' about the relationship between my november intentions (being new; being in process; and, being fear*less) & the election of Barack Obama/my heart*full & mind*full response to the election of Barack Obama.

i feel big, wide, connected, open. i feel light, proud. i feel awake, alive, resurrected.

i am thank*full. i am in awe.

i recognize aspects of my true nature when i watch/listen to/witness Barack Obama: grace, wisdom, integrity. this feels like such a relief. i recognize how long i've been waiting for this, too.

i am asking: how can i play a part now, in this hope*movement, this change*movement, this makin'-a-difference*movement?

and, i am dancin'.

7 november 7 Friday Fill-ins

today's :

1. My blueprint for success includes being responsible/responding rather than reacting.
2. (if organic chocolate is considered candy) a piece of Dagoba organic lemon ginger chocolate was the last candy I ate.
3. The best facial moisturizer I've ever used is Alba Sea Moss Moisturizer.
4. using my voice to speak, chant & howl can be good therapy.
5. I'd like to tell you about what the election of Barack Obama means to me & how inspired, moved, hope*full & new i feel these days.
6. faith*fullness is my strongest characteristic.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to preparing a nourishing dinner & resting, tomorrow my plans include dinner & a concert with friends in the evening and Sunday, I want to go to a worship service & cherish my time with a dear friend & her wee one!

vote, vote, vote, vote, vote!

vote (verb): "to express or signify will or choice in a matter, as by casting a ballot: to vote for president" (definition found here).

today, at approximately 7:25 a.m. (i was number 37 in line), i expressed/signified will/choice in a matter, as by casting a ballot & voting for president.

as i sit here in my little nest, window open, welcoming some cool air in, i am listening to cheers and chants (Obama, Obama!).

today, i am inspired.

"Spirits": a poem

"Spirits" by Birago Diop (a Senegalese poet, storyteller, veterinarian & diplomat)

Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the sighs of the bush;
This is the ancestors breathing.

Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in the darkness that grows lighter
And in the darkness that grows darker.
The dead are not down in the earth;
They are in the trembling of the trees
In the groaning of the woods,
In the water that runs,
In the water that sleeps,
They are in the hut, they are in the crowd:
The dead are not dead.

Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the bush that is sighing:
This is the breathing of ancestors,
Who have not gone away
Who are not under earth
Who are not really dead.

Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in a woman's breast,
In the wailing of a child,
And the burning of a log,
In the moaning rock,
In the weeping grasses,
In the forest and the home.
The dead are not dead.

Listen more often
To Things than to Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind to
The bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors breathing.

Each day they renew ancient bonds,
Ancient bonds that hold fast
Binding our lot to their law,
To the will of the spirits stronger than we
To the spell of our dead who are not really dead,
Whose covenant binds us to life,
Whose authority binds to their will,
The will of the spirits that stir
In the bed of the river, on the banks of the river
The breathing of spirits
Who moan in the rocks and weep in the grasses.

Spirits inhabit
The darkness that lightens, the darkness that darkens,
The quivering tree, the murmuring wood,
The water that runs and the water that sleeps:
Spirits much stronger than we,
The breathing of the dead who are not really dead,
Of the dead who are not really gone,
Of the dead now no more in the earth.

Listen to Things
More often than Beings
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen to the wind,
To the bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors, breathing.

my weekend: a list

*writing
*list making
*updating finances
*paying bills
*sending/responding to e-mails
*creating november intentions: being new; being in process; being fear*less
*morning yoga practice & prayer at home
*indian food lunch & movie with t.
*a walk & cell phone talk with d.
*a 90 minute saturday evening phone conversation with l.
*a slice o' pumpkin pie with whipped cream on top
*11 hours of sleep on saturday night
*falling back: turning the clocks back
*preparing a spinach lasagna for tuesday night's election celebration!
*diggin' out my "Certificate of Voter Registration" card to bring with me when i vote on tuesday mornin'
*creating an altar for bella & my maternal grandmother at my parents' home in celebration of Day of the Dead
*a trip to Michaels
*saturday & sunday morning dance parties in my nest

i will

"I will nurse this autumn carefully,
treat its brittleness gently,
smooth its crumbling edges, its weeping afternoons.

I will rise early and go to it,
wrap it in a soft cloth
and watch its breathing.

I will nurture this autumn knowing
it is myself
in a pure and golden form,
and that childlike
soft words will be brought bubbling up
to be recorded in the patterns of leaves
and the low fog coming across the bay.

I will accept this death
and be content with its coming and watch
its coming
and speak of its coming in slow poems
until at last
there will be no more words,
you will hear only the sound of rain as you sleep."

-Wendy Smyer Yu (found in Life Prayers, p. 347, edited by Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon)

you are invited to a dance party

who says i/you/we can't have a dance party before 9 a.m. on a saturday morning? after all, i am a morning girl. who says i can't cry at my dance party while singing the second tune to bella?

care to join me? here are two tunes to get you movin'. especially if you've felt a bit off*balance, sick/achy & on edge this week...i had this kind of a week.

happy shakin' your booty & maybe even shiftin' your spirit! let me know if you joined the dance party. let me know if you sang the second tune to any*one(s) special.

first:



next:



more from me later...