fare thee well 2008

i have been spending time re*viewing 2008. preparing to let go of this year and make space for 2009. i made a list of high*lights, travels, triumphs and other treasures.

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a couple of quotes i collected this year:

"Make what you most need to find." -Sabrina Ward Harrison

"Time does not change us. It just unfolds us." -Max Frisch

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my primary animal companion in 2008: bird. symbolizing: the soul, transcendence, spirits of air, ascent, communication, freedom, sight, unity and community.

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my words for 2008: believe and remember. i started with the word, "believe." believe gave birth to "remember." these two words guided me to these learnings (and, more!) this year. i believe and i remember...i am not alone. i am connected. You are here. i am equal. i am safe. i am beloved. i am held. i am a creator, creative vessel. all is well. i belong.

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dear 2008 and all creative sources and forces of 2008,

thank you for the whole of this year.

this was a year full of high anxiety, consistent tension(s), resistance, holding on, waiting, expanding and breaking through. the image of the stretched skin of a momma's pregnant belly comes to mind when i think of this full*ness. lots of "making room." although i don't totally understand this right now, it is showing up for me to say this: this was a year in which i was pregnant, waiting and gave birth.

in recent years the image of a nest holding eggs has been significant to me. this year, birds emerged as important. now, as i prepare to enter a new year, the owl, specifically, is companioning me.

it was a deeply dark, heavy and hard year for me in ways new and transformative.

dealing with alone-ness (feeling alone and being alone) was a central theme and at the heart of my soul*work.

thank you for taking me to heart-shaped Africa and to an abundance of heart*full beings. for taking me to the places where bella twirled and tangoed in the months and days before her physical death. i know that this was an essential journey for obvious reasons and for reasons not yet discovered...

thank you for seminary. for my teachers and deans. for my classmates. for the space. for monthly journeys to NYC. thank you for the privilege of taking vows and being ordained an interfaith minister.

thank you for answering in some sure way each and every call of mine for "help." you have saved my life again and again and again and again and again...

thank you for keeping me company, holding me, in the darkness.

thank you for this city, where i live. this city has life*affirming powers.

thank you for the gift of hearing bella's "i'm right here" in response to my every "i miss you so much."

thank you for apples, popcorn, brown rice pasta, cherry tomatoes, pumpkin pie, eggs, avocados, tea, whipped cream, clementines, spinach and sweet potatoes.

thank you for guiding me to do the hard thing, the truest thing, when i'd really, really, really, really...rather not.

thank you for yoga and those yoga classes that rocked my world. you know, the ones that accelerated the healing by going deep, deeper, deepest...in minutes.

thank you for the presence of healers, friends, soul*sisters, family, community, bloggie lights, co-workers, acquaintances and all with whom i shared the path this year. thank you for forgiving me when/if ever i seemed more absent than present.

thank you for music and dancing.

thank you for prayer. thank you for mala beads and rosary beads. thank you for chanting/Kirtan.

thank you for books. thank you for words. thank you for writing. thank you for pens and paper.

thank you for photos, cameras and the art of photography.

thank you for creativity/creative expression.

thank you for birth and color and candles and angel dogs and flowers and more...

thank you, thank you, thank you.

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in the dark, pre-dawn hours of tuesday morning an image came to mind regarding this movement out of 2008 and into 2009. i imagined each year in one's life as a room, connected to a larger whole or house. i thought about all of the elements in my 2008 room and i thought about the many doors and passageways i photographed while journeying in Africa earlier this year. i can't think of a better image to post than that of a door/passageway as i say, "fare thee well 2008."

today's good*ness

today:
*i captured images of places and things i have been wanting to photograph in my city. places and things very close to my home; including, the above message etched into the concrete, "LOVE YOURSELF". i had been feeling shy about hitting the streets with my camera in hand, snapping away. today i was still feeling a bit shy and i did it any way! i am looking forward to taking more photos.
*i woke before 4:30 a.m., after sleeping for 4 hours. i stayed in bed until after my alarm went off at 7:15 a.m. however, i am not sure how much sleeping happened between 4:30 a.m. and 7:15 a.m.
*i had a 9 a.m. healing appointment.
*at 10 a.m., after my session o' healin', i went to a nearby cafe. i ordered yogurt with fruit and granola and a pot of peach apricot tea. i chose to sit at a table by the window; the sun warmed my back.
*i enjoyed and i am grateful for this time off (with pay!), christmas eve - jan. 5th.
*while at the cafe i wrote pages and pages about 2008 and 2009 in my "notes" journal.
*in my "creating" notebook i wrote down a couple of exciting new ideas for my blog. stay tuned! more on this soon...very soon.
*i listened to Rosie Thomas' CD, When We Were Small.
*i told the whole truth when my colleague/friend asked me how my Christmas was.
*i used my sweet and new "Twirl & Twine" oven mitt from Anthropologie.
*i took deep breaths.
*i participated in a nearly 90 minute free tele*conference with Christine Kane: "The Unstoppable Power of Intention: 5 Keys to Creating New Outcomes in 2009."

what's your good*ness?

go gently

i meet with b., my spiritual director, once a month. when our session is complete we make our way down the flights of creaky, wooden stairs to the front door. together. we hug and often b.'s parting (or, sending forth) words to me are, "go gently."

i remembered today, "go gently."

today i woke to sunlight.

today i am emerging tentatively and softly from weeks of darkness. weeks of cold. weeks of wet. weeks of sickness. weeks of heartache. weeks of tears.

i have been sorrow-full. sorrowful. it's the most perfect word to describe how i've been feeling these weeks.

today i feel relieved. relieved that the weight of this year's sorrow-full christmas season is lifting. this is my/our third christmas without bella (in her familiar physical body/form).

the first christmas was "the first christmas." the second christmas was not "the first christmas." and, this christmas felt like something else entirely. something for which i do not yet have the words to capture, contain and share.

i am in process.

for now, today, i offer this tune of gentle perfection:



and, if you, too, have been sorrow-full, heart-achey or anything of this sort, i wish you this:

"Beannacht" by John O'Donohue

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The gray window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colors,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the curragh of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.

i discovered this prayer on the web earlier this year. today while at the library, without intentionally looking, i found John O'Donohue's book, To Bless the Space Between Us, and re*discovered this prayer. mysteriously/divinely i saw that John's heading for this prayer, "Beannacht", is: "A Blessing for the New Year." perfect.

winter solstice: Sacred Life Sunday

some treasures for this winter solstice, this :

*Jen Lee's Solstice: Stories of Light in the Dark. find out more about downloading it via CD Baby (for $6!) here. last night before sleep i turned out the lights, sat in the dark & listened to this beauty, this sweet & wise & spoken lullaby. thank you, Jen Lee.

*"To Know the Dark" by Wendell Berry; discovered here.

To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.

*words by Rebecca Parker, President of Starr King School for the Ministry:

"Perhaps for a moment the typewriters will stop clicking,
the wheels stop rolling and the computers desist from computing,
and a hush will fall over the city.
For in an instant, in the stillness, the chiming of celestial spheres will be heard, as earth hangs poised in the crystalline darkness,
and then gracefully tilts.

Let there be a season when holiness is heard, and the splendor of living is revealed. Stunned to silence by beauty we remember who we are and why we are here. There are inexplicable mysteries.

We are not alone. In the universe there moves a Wild One whose gestures alter earth's axis toward love. In the immense darkness everything spins with joy.

The cosmos unfolds us. We are caught in a web of stars, cradled in a swaying embrace, rocked by the holy night, babes of the universe.

Let this be the time we wake to life, as spring wakes,
In the moment of winter solstice."

*in the hushed stillness of this winter solstice i wish you this remembering: you are not alone. every*thing tilts toward love and joy. you are held, cradled, rocked. you are a precious babe of the universe.

The Portfolio Project

i am jumpin' in! woo-hoo!

Jen Lee writes about The Portfolio Project here & she + Jen Lemen speak of it here:



i was both inspired & frightened by the thought of commenting (in response to Jen Lee's post about The Portfolio Project) to say, "i'm in." there was all of that very usual mind chatter/commentary scrambling through my mind as i prepared to comment: "should i? dare i? is this really calling out to me? would i be doing this because i think i need fixing (or something in my life needs fixing)? what if i don't do what i'm saying i'm going to do?"

you know, the usual. i listened to it for a bit, gave the mind some space to do its thing & got a little bored with that. then i heard what was underneath all the usual chitter-chatter, flitter-flatter. it was this brave voice inviting me: to dare. dare to imagine myself jumping off the edge of that cliff (finally!) into the great unknown & taking that spontaneous road trip (without having it all mapped out ahead of time...who knows where i'll be at the end of the day? week? month?). shake it up. do it imperfectly. get messy. all that's called for here is that i show up. as i am. right now.

here i am.
in all my glory. this reminds me...
you know, we are all glorious. at church i've sung a song that goes like this, "We are the light of the world. May our light shine before all. That [we] may see the good that we do and give glory to God [Source, Creation, Goddess...]." we are the lights of the world. i am. you are. don't you think it's about time we all burst into glorious flames o' inspiration & possibility?

week 1, day 1. my beginning looks like this:

*i wrote 1 poem.
*i wrote 1 piece of writing.
*i wrote 12 affirmations.
*i wrote a list of 12 areas of my life (e.g., home, work, family, creative community, travel) & some notes about what i intend to cultivate/create in each area.
*i wrote a list of products (including: pieces of writing; works of art; workshops; spiritual direction sessions; and, rituals) to create over the 12 weeks. the next step is to assign a number to each product (e.g., 20 pieces of writing, 12 works of art, etc.)

want to play?

five-a-day

pen* tagged me. thank you, pen*! below is a list of five things i do every day that contribute positively to my health & well being. do you recall the juice drink Five Alive? this meme made me think of the name of this juice drink. i think this list of five could also be called "my five alive":

1. pray. some form of prayer. even if it is a small, simple offering of one or two words whispered to Source (e.g., help!, thank you).
2. listen to music.
3. check in with my bloggie lights/bloggie bliss...endless sources of inspiration. see sidebar for a listing of bodacious bloggie babes.
4. write. a blog post. a note of thanks. a word of appreciation. a list. a journal entry.
5. drink water.

what are your five?

festive Friday Fill-Ins

today's :

1. Said the night wind to the little lamb, you are a most tender creature. you have much to teach human creatures.
2. The first Noel, the angel did say, "light reigns."
3. peace, Over the hills and everywhere.
4. It came upon the midnight clear, hope.
5. you, with the sad, broken, shattered, healing heart, my prayer for you is this: Let your heart be light.
6. And the thing that will make them ring is the carol that you sing "right here, right within your heart."
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a quiet, rest*full & creative night at home, tomorrow my plans include leading a winter solstice ceremony in the evening and Sunday, I want to bake cookies & package presents!

just in case...

just in case you need reminding, as i do...

"Keeping Watch" by Hafiz

In the morning
When I began to wake,
It happened again-

That feeling
That You, Beloved,
Had stood over me all night
Keeping watch,

That feeling
That as soon as I began to stir

You put Your lips on my forehead
And lit a Holy Lamp
Inside my heart.

every*thing in your favor

i have had many, many, many, many, many...sleep*less nights since bella died. in the past week my sleep has been a wee bit off, including saturday night into sunday morning. after wake*full hours in the dark at s & a's house early sunday morning i was ready to turn on the light & read some. i read & discovered all kinds of goodness, including these words by Rumi, which made me giggle in recognition...recognition of this truth:

"It's rigged - everything in your favor.
So there is nothing to worry about."

isn't this the best news ever?!

oh Rumi, how do you do it? sending perfect & new (& re*newing) words at exactly the right time...

FA-la-LA-La-la

there was a lot of FA-la-LA-La-la-ing this weekend! i went to visit two of my beloveds, s & a. whenever i am with them it feels like home. it's the best.

we have a tradition each year of getting together during the first or second weekend of december at s & a's home to create & celebrate christmas together. we run christmas errands. we pick out s & a's tree, garland & front door wreath. we decorate the house (indoors & outdoors) & trim the tree while listening to holiday tunes & telling stories. after the trimming is done we sit in the candlelit & twinklelit room & acknowledge the beauty & abundance of what/who is in the room & in our lives. the feeling of this post-tree trimming space resembles the energy that seems to descend on our world when it snows. quiet awe, stillness & soft delight. it's holy space. yesterday, while trimming & decorating we received the gift of snowfall. lucky, lucky, lucky us!

this weekend we also: watched Muppet & Colbert christmas tales; laughed a lot; ate oodles of yummy home*made meals (thanks to s's culinary expertise!); ate at one of our favorite mexican restaurants; cuddled with the cats & the doggie dear; drank glasses of wine & cups of tea & coffee; snuggled under blankets; and, celebrated our very own christmas morning this a.m.

i came home this evening to my decorated nest with a heart full o' nourishing love & endless gratitude; a bag full o' s & a's leftover garland (with which i promptly adorned my nest...the cherry or STAR* on top of my decorated nest); and, my christmas morning treasures (including a most color*full & soft scarf & inspiring lil' somethings from lululemon athletica).

did you FA-la-LA-La-la this weekend?

tuesday night treasures

• i heart holiday music sung by Johnny Mathis. thank you Liz Elayne for sharing this link.
• do you know Susan Tuttle? she is magical. have a look. and, her new book has just been released! hip hip hooray! oh wait, there's more! she's having a contest to give away a copy of her book. more information here. like i said, magical.
• moved by this post by Shari and her reference to "a place inside..."
• craving silence.

"Silence" by Hafiz

A day of Silence
Can be a pilgrimage in itself.

A day of Silence
Can help you listen
To the Soul play
Its marvelous lute and drum.

Is not most talking
A crazed defense of a crumbling fort?

I thought we came here
To surrender in Silence,

To yield to Light and Happiness,

To Dance within
In celebration of Love's Victory!

on my mind

• a new month.
• a new work week.
• a new season; the holiday season.
• a major work event tomorrow afternoon.
• a lil' nest to clean & decorate.
• a heap o' dishes to wash.
• banana walnut bread to bake.
• reading Juicy Pens Thirsty Paper.
• holiday cards to write.
• putting together this year's advent/*joy calendar in honor of bella.
• paying bills & writing "donation"/"contribution" checks while holiday shows play in the background.
• planning a winter solstice event.
• presents to wrap for s. & a., who i will see in virginia this weekend for our annual holiday weekend celebration. we will drink wine; find the perfect christmas tree; trim this perfect tree; eat at one of my favorite restaurants; share breakfasts together; say, "good night, john boy. good night, elizabeth..." (just like they did on this show) before going to sleep each night; have our own "christmas morning"; and, sink into the cozy*ness.