the goods: list 3

• this image of Superhero Andrea Scher is delightFULL. makes me smile. wide.
• did you chose a word(s) and/or an intention(s) for your 2009? i did. i write about 'em here. i am mentioning this because at one point last week i totally forgot what one of my words for 2009 is ("bRAVe"). in the spirit of full disclosure, it did take me some minutes to recall my other word ("this"). i'm wondering: how's the journey with your word(s) and/or intention(s) in 2009?
• receiving a heart*warming handwritten note of thanks and appreciation in the mail on monday evening. i love mail - especially handwritten.
• exploring this New Moon here.
• a free teleseminar ("5 Major Mindset Shifts") with Christine Kane on tuesday night. over 1,000 people were registered for the call - that's some kind of energy! here are some teachings, bits o' wisdom and reminders i received on this call: be aligned with who i know myself to be; make the decision to no longer struggle; be complaint free; naming - what am i being called to move into?/what is being called forth to live/blossom in me?; naming - what do i want/how do i want to feel in 2, 5, 10 years?; and, the power of making decisions quickly and without drama - i do know what i want.
  
• receiving this invitation from the Universe: you can let go completely and trust me. it's been a long journey from there to here (and yes, the journey will continue to unfold...). it's time to let go of that last little bit and let me hold/tend/take care of it. it's time. it's time.
  
• i am one who is deeply in tune with cycles, seasons, rhythms and movements - of the moon, times of day, days of the week, months of the year and faith/spirit celebrations. one of these seasons is the Christian season of Lent. Ash Wednesday (which i celebrated this past wednesday) marks the beginning of Lent - a time when Jesus entered the desert - a time when those following/connected to the honoring of this season are invited to receive ashes on their foreheads and these words, "Remember that you are dust and unto dust you shall return." this reminder touches me deeply given my relationship with the earth and in a special way given bella's physical death, where she died and our family's (crystal clear) choice to cremate her physical body and release her body/ashes back to the earth. this year i am honoring this season in an intentional way. in my own way, this will be a time of going into the desert. my intentions are: spacious listening; exploring, creating and honoring Sabbath time - consecrating a time in my life/living each week to rest, renew and remember (Sabbath by Wayne Muller is companioning me); and, praying - which i experience as conversing/communing with spirit/source.
  
• keeping the windows open all day on wednesday and clearing out my nest while i worked in the community and at my office.
• these six words offered to me by a healer during this evening's follow up phone consultation: "be safe. be here. feel good." these words were not commands; they were offerings. she told me she wanted to create something for me (a flower essence formula) that would offer me these three things: the experience of being safe; the experience of being here (on this earth, at this time, in my life - bringing my whole self to it all); and, the experience of feeling good. what - a - gift. it took my breath away when she uttered these six words in succession. "yes, this is exactly what i need," my whole self said. an answered prayer. this - this is exactly what i want for all of creation (for you!) - the experience of being safe; the experience of being here; and, the experience of feeling good.
  

what lives on

1009 days later.
this lives on.
your:

* joy * light * love * wisdom * curiosity * generosity * wonder * color * sparkle * freedom * adventurousness * maturity * depth * playfulness * openness * compassion * silliness * bravery * boldness * shyness * quietness * commitment * activism * integrity * humanity * wildness * power * gentleness * peacefulness * healing ways * inspiring ways * superhero-ness * presence *

thank you, thank you, thank you, beloved bella.

this february weekend

a quiet winter's night in my nest on friday. hibernating & hiding from the wind. writing. reading Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton. baking cookies. listening to a recent The Spirit of Things podcast, "Fire and Light", about bushfires (the Victorian bushfires & the Canberra bushfires).
*
early to bed on friday night, early to rise on saturday morning. while sunlight spread i listened to my bird friends chirp. i heart their chirping. later i find these words by Terry Tempest Williams here:
"I pray to the birds.
I pray to the birds because I believe they will carry messages of my heart upward.
I pray to them because I believe in their existence,
the way their songs begin and end each day - the invocations and benedictions of earth.
I pray to the birds because they remind me of what I love rather than what I fear.
And at the end of my prayers,
they teach me how to listen."
*
remembering where i was at this time last year. a year ago i arrived in heart shaped Africa with my momma. my heart cracked open even wider, as vast as the ocean we crossed, allowing for more light & more healing & more love & more grace & more understanding to rush in. this voyage continues...
*
a nourishing bodywork appointment on saturday afternoon followed by a divine phone consultation with a healer.
*
connecting with my Squam Arts Workshops roomie via e-mail. she recognized me when i posted a message on the message board & she sent me an e-mail. i wrote her back & then she wrote me back again &...well, you get the picture. i think there's going to be a lot of sweet conversation between the two of us as we prepare for this journey together. i am giddy!
*
sunday so far has looked like this: waking. a bit of yoga. cleaning up my nest. to the gym. to the grocery store. into the shower. eating. checking in with bloggie beauties. collaging. preparing for a delicious evening/night with my parents & dear family friends - dinner and the Oscars.
*
i do hope your weekend was/is cozy & creative & shared with beloved ones.

the goods: list 2

• an inHERview with jen gray.
  
• spending valentine's day weekend with beloveds. a burger & fries & a catchin' up conversation with an old friend, a sister, on friday, the 13th. 13 is her favorite & lucky number. we've known one another for nearly 20 years! watching Sixteen Candles later that night. waking in the mornings & sharing cups of coffee & tea (with cream & agave nectar). reading magazines & the newspaper. chatting about all things relevant & ridiculous in the hours before breakfast is made. spending most of valentine's day in pajamas. chocolate fondue & wine. surrounded by animal love: three cats + one doggie dear. playing cards. feeling loved & loving. music. lunch at my favorite restaurant before catching my 2:20 p.m. train home. planning our next visit together.
• MAV & Stephanie's latest project: 3191 Miles Apart.
• finding these words on monday morning while walking from the gym to the coffee shop: "Light Does Not End."
• listening to the wee ones chatter, play & invent at the coffee shop while sitting on stools, swinging their feet. brother & sister. the sweetest.
  
• Guidebook for a Modern Priest/ess by Ariel Spilsbury. this small & rich 17 page book showed up at this most perfect/divine time in my life journey.
• this post. i love the image & idea. i think i will make some of these i love yous & post 'em around. i also love what Maddie says about oatmeal. i think the same thing about oatmeal.
• issue eleven of this JOY + RIDE. i heart the questions asked (of the one profiled) in each issue.
• "Listening Is Powerful Medicine" essay by Alicia M. Conill. have a listen. 5 minutes + 22 seconds worth. this essay is part of NPR's This I Believe project.
• the Be Present Retreats. created by an open, light, listening & believing being.
• this post by Lisa Occhipinti. she speaks of a "gorgeous life"; gratitude; "morning sunlight"; being "lucky" & "blessed" & "in awe"; and, "kin" (i heart the words kin & kindred & kinship)...that "which happens to be my life."
• pretty good: lovin' this blog o' photos & words.
• the words on marta's quote wall.
• the Portfolio Project Midpoint Gallery Show.
• a very cool series: Writers' rooms, "Portraits of the spaces where authors create."
• waking this early a.m. after tucking myself into bed early last night & making a collage (collaging is part of my "game" in The Portfolio Project).
  

inHERview: jen gray

photo of jen gray

i heart jen gray.
i really, really do.
she is a graceful weaver of the threads in her "gypsy cowgirl" journey.
she is a sparklin' rock*star, fairy magic goddess & sage warrior.
she is a merry maker with one wild & wide open heart.
thank you, dear jen, for participating in the inHERview project. you matter so very much to me.

Who are you?
My name is Jen, and I'm just another gypsy cowgirl making my way through this life, trying to do the best I can.

Where can we find you?
There's a little bit of me on my blog ~ http://www.jengray.com. But hopefully you will find me outside somewhere playing hard, getting messy, collecting stories.

What is your motto for living? Or, what's on the bumper sticker of your life?
"let us go laughing..." (which is from a song written by Bruce Cockburn)

How do you spend your days?
I work as a photographer/photo stylist, primarily on the commercial end, and I also help run a non for profit organization for children.

How do you spend your nights?
I love when Barron comes home, and we chat about the day, cook some grub, and curl up on the couch listening to our favorite tunes. Summer will change this, and those nights will be spent outside on the porch or walking down by the river, riding out to our favorite little spots....

How do you spend your weekends?
I really like to lay low, with the ones i love...keep it simple and keep it easy.

How do you define your tribe?
Those with whom I share a kinship of the heart.

Who is a part of your tribe?
My family, my partner, my closest friends, aspects of nature, and our pets. My tribe is not exclusive, as I believe people come into our lives for certain purposes and sometimes need to leave when the soul work is done. I feel fatly-blessed with the people who are in my life. Seriously.

What makes your heart sing?
When I see people feeling good about their lives, when I am fully surrounded by nature and nothing man made, when I hear the ones I love laughing those hard kind of laughs.

What do you care about?
My care runs deep, and often causes me a great and heavy ache. I care about healing, i care about growth, i care about love, i care about goodness.

What inspires you?
*Nature ~ The Carribean, pine forests, the vast farmlands, thunderstorms, the critters, the plants, the scents and the colors that decorate it all.
*Music ~ singing, listening, dancing, playing.
*Love ~ for me, that is what living and dying is all about.
*And the thing I cannot really put words to, but its about my spiritual connection and belief and the mysticism that weaves throughout it.

Where and/or when do you feel most at home?
Surrounded by nature, away from chatter and world stuff. When I have my family or friends around me. Curled up with Barron and our cats in our bed. When i am aligned with grace...

What is one question (in your life/journey) you are currently answering?
How can i be in best service to the hearts of others while still keeping my soul juiced up and healthy.

What dream are you dreaming right now?
Its a dream that is still being weaved together, so I cant really find the words, but it's a good one.

If you were to "tell the world just one thing" (as Jewel sings) what would that "one thing" be?
that each of us matter so very much.

the goods: list 1

i heart lists.
i heart lists of treats, treasures, delights, discoveries, sweet encounters & inspirations.
a list o' goods.
in the spirit of organizing these lists & managing my collections in a way that feels good (hee-hee!) to me i am starting a new series entitled, "the goods", for posts just like this one.

here are the goods for today:

• love quotes at m.writes.
• winning a copy of Roots and Recollections! lucky, lucky me.
• receiving my Squam Art Workshops brochure in the mail this week.
• this post (with brilliant & playful photos) at wonderings and wanderings. i love Jeanine's voice. she makes me giggle.
• this post with words about integrity.
• this TED talk with Elizabeth Gilbert. thank you LeSophie for posting it on your blog for me to discover at the perfect moment.
• looking forward to posting an inHERview with a real*life shero, jen gray, next week!
• listening to the wind today.
• preparing to be with beloveds this weekend.
• today's tea date with t. creme caramel tea & a chocolate chip scone & heartY conversation.
• receiving valentines from momma, poppa & my friend, l. i am so deeply loved & cared for.
• discovering & exploring Jennifer Lee's blog.

what i'm up to...

knitting every day.
preparing & sending out love mail.
out to lunch with friends, including two of bella's beloveds.
completed my latest volume of in tune tunes, made up of songs i collected-songs that spoke to me & for me-while journeying through recent days, weeks & months.
making & eating popcorn.
looking at the full moon.
having a snow day.
strengthening & healing my body. going to the gym & receiving bodywork.
scheduling phone dates with soul*sisters.
attended an urban priestess ritual.
planning a spring equinox ritual.
read one of the best posts ever.
dancing to this tune and this tune.
planning adventures for march & april: visits from friends; a trip to nyc; a trip to boston; and a spring equinox ritual.
looking forward to upcoming february festivities: a trip to virginia to visit two beloveds; a day of retreat; and tea, lunch & movie dates.
softening in the sunshine of warmer days.
daydreaming about the future i am creating.
put my Netflix account on hold. i may cancel it. we'll see. i'm leaning in the direction of canceling.
signed up for a free teleseminar with Christine Kane.
taking pictures every day. including this one:

crashing & allowing & grateful

today.
a tidal wave of grief.
crashing.
missing bella.
her familiar physical presence.
those deeply intimate, sister to sister, parent to child, heart to heart things, moments.
playing with her hair.
holding her head when she had a headache.
the scent and feel of her skin.
standing at the bedroom door when she was days old...months old...2 years old...11 years old...20 years old. looking at her. watching her. feeling the deepest and wildest and most indescribable love.
her strong body.
her silly, wise and colorFULL ways.
her jokes.
her hats. [oh, the hats!]
the known.
20+ years of herstory and ourstory.
holding her hand.
telling her stories about "when she was little." often late at night before sleep.
reading her "'Twas the Night Before Christmas" every christmas eve.
delighting in her.
not being able to get enough of her.
praising her.
witnessing the miraculousness of her being.

today.
allowing the tidal wave.
the tears.
the sobs.
feeling the raw edges of broken openness.
holding both knowing "how this can be" and wondering "how can this be?"

today.
i am wearing bella's hot pink, long sleeve shirt and her light pink, button down sweater and a necklace that i purchased (after her physical death) to honor our relationship.
i reach out to soul*sisters to speak these truths.
i do the laundry.
i go grocery shopping.
i thaw some in the sunshine and warm-ish air.
i listen to music.
i organize photos.
i write letters to january 2009 (thank you!) and february 2009 (hello!).
i drink glasses of water.
i eat the rest of yesterday's pear.
i prepare a bowl of oatmeal.
i whisper, "i love you so much, babe."
i hear her, "i'm right here. i gotcha. i am all over you."
i keep on keepin' on.
i am grateful for this love.