i thank You

"i thank You" by e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes...

"i thank You" by gem

i thank You God for most this beloved
child:for the frolicking curiously spirit of bella
and our true blue sisterhood of love; and for everything
which is bella which is infinite which is yes.

i love you, babe.
i love you so very, very, very much.
thank you for the life you birthed in me through your physical life & through your physical death.
i thank You, i thank You, i thank You.

Keeping Watch

"Keeping Watch" by Hafiz

In the morning
When I began to wake,
It happened again -

That feeling
That You, Beloved,
Had stood over me all night
Keeping watch,

That feeling
That as soon as I began to stir

You put Your lips on my forehead
And lit a Holy Lamp
Inside my heart.

the goods: list 11

• the question, "What is the yes that needs protecting these days?" a question offered at Abbey of the Arts in this post by Christine Valters Paintner.
• i heart Susan Tuttle. check out this post & this interview. i can't wait to meet her in september!
  
• indian food for dinner on saturday with my friend, t. a "kiddie" cup of ice cream for dessert.
• this post on alchemy by Magpie Girl. i heart the word alchemy.
  
• a sunday morning pilgrimage with two radiant women to walk a labyrinth. noticing - there is much, much, much to notice (drops & pools of water on leaves; the shapes & colors of stones laid by tiny hands & aged hands; bright green sprouts emerging everywhere). wondering - how many footsteps preceded my steps through this labyrinth? how many will follow? hearing - "trust the path. trust me." remembering - just this, just this, just this, just this. affirming - i am clear about my core commitment in this lifetime. feeling - the cool air & wind cleansing my inner body & outer skin. experiencing - myself at the center as pure, still, fierce & certain light. knowing - today i need a gentle day, a soft day.
• "A day of Silence / Can be a pilgrimage in itself. / A day of Silence / Can help you listen / To the Soul play / Its marvelous lute and drum..." ~Hafiz
• good*ness in the week ahead: lunch with n.; a picnic in the park with the fam to honor our bella love; a tea date with t.; and, a memorial day weekend journey to one of bella's favorite spots, which now holds this awe*some distinction.

across the river & back again

yesterday late afternoon, a trip across the river to my parents home for the evening & night. a walk with our fam's angel dog. breathing in the quiet, fresh, small town air. exhaling the city air & noise. our favorite pizza. mint chocolate chip ice cream. Marley & Me. a walk into town with dad for coffee (for him) & tea (for me). encountering neighbors along the way. sitting & sipping hot beverages on a familiar bench, one i sat on for the first time nearly 28 years ago while eating an ice cream cone. to bed just after 10 p.m. with her stuffed animal love tucked beside me.

waking at 6 a.m. rising to pain (still) in my left knee. in the shower, asking: "what is this pain in my knee telling me/trying to tell me?" listening to the answer.

stepping out of the shower & after some healing stretching, back into bed to write. then to read.

rising again. making my way back here, to my nest in the city. a smoothie. reading this post.

aware of a chain of aching hearts these days. a string of losses. first days, first occasions & first anniversaries of the grieving variety. deaths of children, grandparents, spouses, animal loves.

i sit here on this 3rd may saturday. the 3rd anniversary coming up. life as i knew it altered, shifted course (annihilated, disintegrated?), broke open on a 3rd may saturday 3 years ago. on this 3rd may saturday i can speak this, "i made my way."

so much i could say about what i mean by this ("i made my way") & not wanting to be misunderstood. for now, this - i made my way through. i crossed over. and, i am here. after the year+ of shock; after months/seasons long stints in the pitch black; after the devastation; after crawling, limping, walking around in the rubble. i am here. i weep & sometimes i sob, in thanks-giving, for my life, for my love, for my belief in the good/god/light...

listening to this song. to all who are tending to broken open hearts i sing you this, i pray you this, because i believe this, "Lights will guide you home..."

watering these flowers

may 14, 2009 journal notes:

here's what i think:
nothing is permanent.
anything & everything is possible.
this sets me free.

George said this to Izzie on last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy:

"Yes, you do.
The back and forth is just fear.
You know what to do.
You already made the decision...
You know exactly what you have to do."

i do.
it is.
i know.
i did.
i do.

the goods: list 10

• "a little funk, a lotta fun":
• m. writes post on "what makes a home homey?"
• Liz Elayne's "nine"
• Michael J. Fox: Adventures of an Incurable Optimist
• saturday hours spent on a bench, in the sunshine, talking about trusting in source/wisdom/guidance/life/god/spirit with my magical friend, t.
  
• putting in hours of work that doesn't feel like "work." the work i am doing these days is the work that comes with following spirit's lead. [and yes, sometimes it does feel like the hardest kind of work.]
  
• discovering (gleeFULLy!) bloggie lights renaming "comments." denise calls 'em "soul droplets" and pen* calls 'em "gentle whispers." i am calling 'em "offerings." would you like to leave an offering today?
  
• to mommas of all kinds - happy momma's day to you & you & you & me & you...! jen gray writes about all these kinds of mommas here - including the ones with aching & breaking open hearts (you are not forgotten - you are seen). i dig this post by Stacy Anne about mommas.

precisely

she told us november 2006, "i can see clearly now how precisely one can craft one's life."
these words keep bubbling up these last couple of days - precisely crafting my life.
i trust this wisdom.
i am embodying this mantra: i am precisely crafting my life.

in the space

what is there,
really -

what remains -

if
i
shed,
release
distraction
and
reaction?

if
i
sit
in
the
nothingness,
in
the
space?

what
is
in
the
s p a c e
if
i
do
nothing?

what happens?

what will i discover?

this is the invitation the universe sent.
this is what is on my itinerary today.

sunny

it is sunny here this morning after nine days of rain.
alleluia.

definitely committed

a beloved sent me these words o' Goethe a decade ago and i am living them and held up by them as i take a gigantic leap in my life. i am tapping into my genius - so bold i am being. i am committed. definitely committed. i welcome, embrace and give thanks for Providence's movements.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans; that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come [her] way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ~ Goethe

i am the green

the world outside,
the earth,
the atmosphere -
looks melancholy
today.

she is clothed
in gray,
the color
of ash.

i walked
under
the earth's teardrops
this evening.

i wonder,
is she mourning?
and if so,
what is she grieving?

i tell the earth,
i see you.
i'm here
to listen.
i'm here
to receive you.

and -

i notice
surely
and
easily
how
the cloudy light
and
the misty breath
of these
recent days
illuminates
and
animates
the green,
the life,
what is
growing
as
each
tear
drops.

i find myself -

i know -

these days
after
so
many
days...

i -

i
am
the
green.

the goods: list 9

• my inHERview with dar.
• Purely Decadent made with Coconut Milk non-dairy frozen dessert: Mint Chip
• Calobo. i saw them live in eugene, oregon in 1998. have a listen to one of my fav Calobo tunes, "Share the Light" - it's not the best recording and it's worth a listen (especially on a rainy-illuminating-the-bright-green month of may sunday):
  
• i dig the television show - Castle. reminds me of what i like about another favorite show - The Closer.
  
• are you familiar with the band October Project? have i written about them before? so good. listen here.
• sunday: spent in pjs; clearing/cleansing my space bit by bit, corner by corner, shelf by shelf, box by box - filling up the bag o' recycling, bags for goodwill & piles for shredding while CBS Sunday Morning & You've Got Mail play in the background; updating finances & my Netflix queue (after reactiving my account); and, turning on my twinkle lights early in the day & keeping them on all day long.
• emptied vases of winter's dried flowers waiting to be filled with spring's fresh flowers.
• tucking away my winter coat & gear.
• writing vision lists for work & home.
• reaching out to soul*friends/soul*family to share the dream i am dreaming - the leap i am leaping; to say, "i'm scared"; to ask, "what do you think?" & "will you tell me it's all going to be okay - that i am going to be okay - better than okay - thriving, joyFULL?"; to say, "i love you so much. thank you so much. you made/make it so much easier. you increase(d) the quality of my life."; to cry; to giggle; to shine...
• unearthing these words by Rainer Marie Rilke: "I believe in all that has never yet been spoken. / I want to free what waits within me / so that what no one has dared to wish for / may for once spring clear without my contriving. / If this is arrogant, God, forgive me, / but this is what I need to say. / May what I do flow from me like a river, / no forcing and no holding back, / the way it is with children. / Then in these swelling and ebbing currents, / these deepening tides moving out, returning, / I will sing you as no one ever has, / streaming through widening channels / into the open sea." yes, i want to free what waits within me & yes, may what i do flow from me like a river & yes, i will sing you.
• a give*away/a gem parcel coming soon...