do you ever have times when you can't stand yourself/your way(s) of being? when you are exasperated by your own darn self? to the point of tears i had this experience on friday evening. it wasn't an isolated, one time incident that caused the frustration and trembling (i was literally shaking with upset). it was the awareness of a repeated way of being in a particular space in my life which is so far out of alignment with who i want to be, who i know my highest, fullest expression to be. no, it was not the first time i had this awareness; it was more like the (without exaggeration) 1,000th time i had this awareness. i was uncomfortable, disgusted and ashamed. ugh.
i'm talkin' years of reacting the same way. yet, more than anything i wanted it to be different NOW. yes, years (over 4 of 'em) of reacting the same way and i want it to be different in a second. effective immediately: no more complaining; no more scowling; no more gettin' hysterical; no more little miss pissy pants; no more lookin' bad; no more justifyin'; no more spiraling out of control. when that doesn't happen i get defeated. you can imagine how defeated i've felt/been feeling.
it's like i want to rub out that this way of being is even a part of who i can be, who i be, sometimes. just get rid of it. then i launch a very unhelpful attack on myself: "what's wrong with me? why can't i be different? i know the difference between reacting and responding! i've been doing this for years. STOP the madness." i end this rant to me where i began: "what's wrong with me?!"
i have been sitting rather uncomfortably in all of this for a couple of days now. i've been trying to be compassionate towards me and remind myself: it's a process. this morning, after some tears, a mantra (to support and accompany me) emerged, piece by piece: "i am still. i am quiet. i am listening. i am responding." nearly complete, this mantra. then the true first line of this mantra was revealed: "there is nothing wrong."
there is nothing wrong.
i am still.
i am quiet.
i am listening.
i am responding.
all of this mantra is great and help-full, of course. and, the piece that saves me and inspires me is the beginning. i must start with: "there is nothing wrong." there is nothing wrong. there is nothing wrong. there is nothing wrong.