across the river & back again

yesterday late afternoon, a trip across the river to my parents home for the evening & night. a walk with our fam's angel dog. breathing in the quiet, fresh, small town air. exhaling the city air & noise. our favorite pizza. mint chocolate chip ice cream. Marley & Me. a walk into town with dad for coffee (for him) & tea (for me). encountering neighbors along the way. sitting & sipping hot beverages on a familiar bench, one i sat on for the first time nearly 28 years ago while eating an ice cream cone. to bed just after 10 p.m. with her stuffed animal love tucked beside me.

waking at 6 a.m. rising to pain (still) in my left knee. in the shower, asking: "what is this pain in my knee telling me/trying to tell me?" listening to the answer.

stepping out of the shower & after some healing stretching, back into bed to write. then to read.

rising again. making my way back here, to my nest in the city. a smoothie. reading this post.

aware of a chain of aching hearts these days. a string of losses. first days, first occasions & first anniversaries of the grieving variety. deaths of children, grandparents, spouses, animal loves.

i sit here on this 3rd may saturday. the 3rd anniversary coming up. life as i knew it altered, shifted course (annihilated, disintegrated?), broke open on a 3rd may saturday 3 years ago. on this 3rd may saturday i can speak this, "i made my way."

so much i could say about what i mean by this ("i made my way") & not wanting to be misunderstood. for now, this - i made my way through. i crossed over. and, i am here. after the year+ of shock; after months/seasons long stints in the pitch black; after the devastation; after crawling, limping, walking around in the rubble. i am here. i weep & sometimes i sob, in thanks-giving, for my life, for my love, for my belief in the good/god/light...

listening to this song. to all who are tending to broken open hearts i sing you this, i pray you this, because i believe this, "Lights will guide you home..."