i just need to say it

today i exchanged a series of e-mails with my m. e-mails about thanks*giving eve/my big bro's b*day, thanks*giving day & thanks*giving weekend plans & details. in our final exchange about thanks*giving & birth*day details my m. wrote, "it's terrible without [bella] here [now, at this thanks*giving & birth*day time]...isn't it?...there, i just need to say it."

i read her words & it was as if a button had been pushed & the grief & the sorrow rose up (imagine the grief dwelling underground & then getting on the elevator in the basement & making it's way up to the 77th floor in 1.3 seconds) & tears filled my eyes (entirely). i wrote back, "it is. heartbreakingly painful without bella's familiar physical presence."

again, i am in awe of this grief journey. again, i am aware of how radical death is. my life, my being, is completely altered. and, this is not bad. no. there is no judgment in the naming of this transformation. it just is mind*blowingly incomprehensible sometimes. i have cried streams, lakes, rivers & oceans...tomorrow it will be 2 1/2 years, 30 months exactly, since bella died.