here

my time in boston and the timing of my journey to boston was perfect. perfectly divine. visiting with the most tender creatures. each creature providing me with the perfect gifts and invitations. i received (and i am continuing to receive) the gifts of: feeling at home; giving voice to what i need in particular moments (e.g., to cry, to rest, to be quiet); laughter; envisioning my future; light-ness; allowing; grounding; not apologizing for my way(s) of being; abundance; energy; connection; activism; gentle-ness; soul-full-ness; fresh air; blue, blue skies; sunshine; rest; answers to my heart's & my soul's questions; direction, a solid sense of where to channel my energy; affirmation (all is well. i am well.); love; gratitude; hugs; cups & cups & cups of tea; space to release tears; walks; sharing a room with k. and enjoying late night conversations in the space between our two twin beds, feeling our sister-hood; clarity; and, family.

as i think of my late night conversations with k. and the words traveling through the space between our twin beds, i remember and i honor the space between the literal twin beds that me and my sister, bella, shared at my parents' home during her familiar, physical life and the conversation that we share now in the space between our metaphorical twin beds. as in my conversations with k., i recognize that there is no distance, no space that my conversations cross with bella. these are the conversations of our heart, an expression of our shared heart. we are one another. i am you and you are me. there is no difference. there is no separation.

lately in my journey, the journey i was invited to at the moment of bella's physical death, i am aware of what a radical shift this is. as i make my journey i am aware of always holding many things at the same time: gratitude; the miraculous; a sense of being taken care of; peace-full-ness; grace-full-ness; wisdom; spirit; presence; a sense of being grounded; continued & deepened relationship with bella; a sense of being un-grounded; joy; sadness; dis-orientation; exhaustion; fear; wonder; shock; worry; hope; trust...

sometimes, i am rooted/oriented in/around a particular thing or hand-full of things while, in some way, holding all of the rest. all of this, no doubt, per the universe's request/nudging/guidance.

these days i need to give voice to: how radically different my life is; how sad and literally heart-broken i feel sometimes; how in awe i am of what it's really, really like to live this journey and how often i experience the absence of words to describe this; how many tears there are in me to be released & released & released; how much i remember about bella's familiar physical presence and our relationship during the time of her physical life and how much i miss that...

please know, that this does not dismiss or conceal the rest, the whole, the abundance of the all of what i am holding. it is simply that i need, i must give voice to this, to these pieces.

thank you for holding the space. bless you and all of the pieces and things that you are holding.