on my bedside altar

divine embrace

i affirm this.

this morning i am traveling to be with two of my very dearests for a long weekend.

i am planning to sprinkle affirmations (like the one above) along the way and back again.

to be with my very dearests, in their presence and home, is to be "held in a divine embrace."

we will be making the merriest kind of merry.

picking out a christmas tree, trimming the tree, decorating their house inside and out, listening to christmas carols, snuggling close and watching holiday movies...

it is our annual tradition.

scrumptious, cozy and festive.

this weekend i am wishing you, wherever you are, the feeling of being at home and the knowing that you are held.

live in the present

i happened upon this "window" on my way to meet trish today

also inspiring me:

• purchasing holiday stamps for holiday cards.
• leaving three anonymous thank you/heart notes around the city for people to find. 1. wrapped up in the dollar bill i put in The Salvation Army red kettle. 2. slipped inside a mailbox. 3. on a counter at the bank.
• sitting on the 88 bus at Third and Cambridge, aware and grateful for my happiness and peacefulness. even in the midst of some anxiety and grief, i felt ease and joy in the still center of my being. "what makes this so?" i wondered. "not struggling, fighting, wrestling, resisting...just allowing me to be me and to have my whole experience." my wise being responded. there is room for everything, every thing.
• a new month filled with BIG intentions. for example, fulfilling my autumnal equinox vow (to cultivate play, vitality and being big) as i prepare for the winter solstice.
• these words have been showing up a lot in my life recently: "the truth will set you free." okay, message received.

bus inspirations

today i spent most of the day on buses, making my way back to my new england home. here are three things that inspired me in my travels today:

1. to begin, some background on the first inspiration. my momma's bff since the 3rd grade, my godmother, b.w., died this morning. b.w. & my momma have been best friends for nearly 60 years. my heart aches for my momma, for b.w.'s husband, her three boys (all in their 30s), two daughters-in-law & three grandchildren. my eyes have been full of tears today (as they have been for much of this past week). on the bus this a.m. i opened my book, Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner, to these words: "Randi is the oldest friend I've got. There are a few people out there with whom you fit just so, and, amazingly, you keep fitting just so even after you have growth spurts or lose weight or stop wearing high heels. You keep fitting after you have children or change religions or stop dyeing your hair or quit your job at Goldman Sachs and take up farming. Somehow, God is gracious enough to give us a few of those people, people you can stretch into, people who don't go away, and whom you wouldn't want to go away, even if they offered to."
2. christmas trees for sale on amsterdam avenue in nyc.
3. a billboard with this message: "eat right. / be active. / have fun." simple.

these brightFULL & wakeFULL weekend mornings

walking for miles & miles on saturday morning.

taking in the brightness.

of the wide, blue sky.

of changing leaves on trees & the quilt of fallen leaves covering the ground.

of doggie wonders.

of my heart lifting & my face softening.

of people running, cleaning yards ~ knees on earth, biking, pushing strollers & walking with beloveds ~ hands holding hands & cups of coffee.

taking photos.

attempting to capture just a sliver of this.

how it means so much.

the presence of beings & creatures.

how it saves my life.

wide open eyes, fresh air, rosy cheeks, the sound of others' voices, the knowing you are there & feeling connected.

asana, pages of writing & 14 handwritten notes of gratitude on sunday morning.

waking to this practice.

silence.

movement.

Cat Stevens.

pen & paper.

pouring out.

always

i

am

grateful

for

this & you.

heart*soaring & soul*singing

inspired by this post by Jamie Ridler i made a list of things i value, things that are important to me, things of the heart soaring & soul singing variety.

1. Aligning with & living in partnership with the rhythms of the earth, nature, seasons & my being.
2. Being. Being with.
3. Process.
4. Magic.
5. Honoring & celebrating the daily, the ordinary extraordinary.
6. Creation. Creativity.
7. Beauty.
8. Tenderness, Kindness, Generosity.
9. Love.
10. Light.
11. Home.

this full moon night

i spent hours chanting
(Kirtan)
and
communing with others
this late afternoon
into the evening.

after our sacred singing
we shared a potluck
in a perfectly lit
and
warmed room.

lentils.
sweet potatoes.
edamame.
chocolate cake.

i stood by the window
and
looked out.
delighting in
the twinkle lights
covering trees,
softly
illuminating
the
(finally)
falling
snow.

i spent time
conversing
with
a soul*friend's partner.
grateful to have
deepened
our connection
through created
and
shared
open*ness,
warmth
and
safety.

inspired
by his
truth*fullness.

we saw
one
another
tonight.

his face,
luminous
and
wide,
a full moon
in a clear sky.

and,
i
was
bRAVe.

i did not
turn away
from his
beauty;
that is,
i did not
turn away
from my
beauty.

winter solstice: Sacred Life Sunday

some treasures for this winter solstice, this :

*Jen Lee's Solstice: Stories of Light in the Dark. find out more about downloading it via CD Baby (for $6!) here. last night before sleep i turned out the lights, sat in the dark & listened to this beauty, this sweet & wise & spoken lullaby. thank you, Jen Lee.

*"To Know the Dark" by Wendell Berry; discovered here.

To go in the dark with a light is to know the light.
To know the dark, go dark. Go without sight,
and find that the dark, too, blooms and sings,
and is traveled by dark feet and dark wings.

*words by Rebecca Parker, President of Starr King School for the Ministry:

"Perhaps for a moment the typewriters will stop clicking,
the wheels stop rolling and the computers desist from computing,
and a hush will fall over the city.
For in an instant, in the stillness, the chiming of celestial spheres will be heard, as earth hangs poised in the crystalline darkness,
and then gracefully tilts.

Let there be a season when holiness is heard, and the splendor of living is revealed. Stunned to silence by beauty we remember who we are and why we are here. There are inexplicable mysteries.

We are not alone. In the universe there moves a Wild One whose gestures alter earth's axis toward love. In the immense darkness everything spins with joy.

The cosmos unfolds us. We are caught in a web of stars, cradled in a swaying embrace, rocked by the holy night, babes of the universe.

Let this be the time we wake to life, as spring wakes,
In the moment of winter solstice."

*in the hushed stillness of this winter solstice i wish you this remembering: you are not alone. every*thing tilts toward love and joy. you are held, cradled, rocked. you are a precious babe of the universe.

just in case...

just in case you need reminding, as i do...

"Keeping Watch" by Hafiz

In the morning
When I began to wake,
It happened again-

That feeling
That You, Beloved,
Had stood over me all night
Keeping watch,

That feeling
That as soon as I began to stir

You put Your lips on my forehead
And lit a Holy Lamp
Inside my heart.

at home in my lil' nest

i've been away from my lil' urban nest for days. i returned a short while ago. i turned on the heat & my twinkle lights & put on some of my favorite holiday tunes, John Denver's Rocky Mountain Christmas. i did all of this before taking off my coat or unpacking a single thing from my bags. my priorities: warmth, color, light & music.

i am filled up with the richness of recent days. family. candlelight. music. movies (this one on dvd and this one at the movie theater). hot cocoa with marshmallows. pie (pumpkin, apple & coconut custard!). a thanksgiving day walk with my momma, our fam's doggie dear and one of bella's dearest friends. the presence of family friends. [just a word about presence...it means so much, your/our presence. always, of course. and, especially, when people's hearts are broken and they are standing (sometimes barely, always bravely) in awe of the depth of the ache they are feeling. as it was for me this thanksgiving, missing bella so much.] snuggling with my momma on the couch and falling asleep while resting my head on her chest. preparing chocolate chip walnut cookie dough to freeze & bake at christmas*time. calling, texting & e-mailing beloved friends to say, "thank you for being. i love you." a haircut. getting a manicure/pedicure with momma. donating here. egg nog with nutmeg sprinkled on top. purchasing two of these. rest. finding these words at church this a.m.: "Someday after the long, dark waiting there will be Light..." hearing the invitation this a.m. at church: "watch. be watchFULL in the waiting."

it is the season of advent. a season i am celebrating. a season all are invited to celebrate as s/he wishes, as s/he is called. advent means: "a coming into place, view, or being; arrival." it is this that i am celebrating: a season of coming into place, view or being; a season honoring arrival & birth. as i begin my celebration of this season i am honoring the dark, the unseen, the waiting & the promise of light.

"Spirits": a poem

"Spirits" by Birago Diop (a Senegalese poet, storyteller, veterinarian & diplomat)

Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the sighs of the bush;
This is the ancestors breathing.

Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in the darkness that grows lighter
And in the darkness that grows darker.
The dead are not down in the earth;
They are in the trembling of the trees
In the groaning of the woods,
In the water that runs,
In the water that sleeps,
They are in the hut, they are in the crowd:
The dead are not dead.

Listen to Things
More often than Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind,
To the bush that is sighing:
This is the breathing of ancestors,
Who have not gone away
Who are not under earth
Who are not really dead.

Those who are dead are not ever gone;
They are in a woman's breast,
In the wailing of a child,
And the burning of a log,
In the moaning rock,
In the weeping grasses,
In the forest and the home.
The dead are not dead.

Listen more often
To Things than to Beings,
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen in the wind to
The bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors breathing.

Each day they renew ancient bonds,
Ancient bonds that hold fast
Binding our lot to their law,
To the will of the spirits stronger than we
To the spell of our dead who are not really dead,
Whose covenant binds us to life,
Whose authority binds to their will,
The will of the spirits that stir
In the bed of the river, on the banks of the river
The breathing of spirits
Who moan in the rocks and weep in the grasses.

Spirits inhabit
The darkness that lightens, the darkness that darkens,
The quivering tree, the murmuring wood,
The water that runs and the water that sleeps:
Spirits much stronger than we,
The breathing of the dead who are not really dead,
Of the dead who are not really gone,
Of the dead now no more in the earth.

Listen to Things
More often than Beings
Hear the voice of fire,
Hear the voice of water.
Listen to the wind,
To the bush that is sobbing:
This is the ancestors, breathing.

can you imagine that?

this blessing by Guru Singh touches me. it begins with: "We cannot control the wind..."

and, deeply moving is a song entitled, "I Am", sung by Guru Singh & Seal & Friends. i heard it (again) in my morning yoga class. tears formed. i came home and purchased this song on iTunes. here are pieces of the lyrics: "i am who i am and that is that...i am who i am and thank god i am...i am who you are; look at that. you are who i am; can you imagine that?...joy to the world, peace on the earth. god bless the children, how we love them..."

yes, yes, yes! bless you, bless me, bless the joy, bless the world, bless the peace, bless the earth and bless, bless, bless the children...

plans/intentions for the weekend

go with the flow...listen...live "in tune"...live in joy...be light...be connected...decompress...allow...practice presence...honor me, my life, where i am on the path...rest with Source/Spirit, snuggled up in Source's/Spirit's arms...dream...read...lounge...yoga class...farmer's market...family dinner at my parents...be at home...create...let go/release my tight hold...surrender...

and you?

how 'bout it?

what if we related to every surface as an altar?
our bodies as temples?
and, our hearts as shrines?

dialogue

the other night i asked: "what is bella's message for me right now?"

the card responded: "Play and laughter are the greatest healers."

then i asked: "what do i need to know right now?"

one card said: "Peace comes to you if you stop craving..."

another card said: "Everything in nature has its special healing powers. Discover your own..."

[card responses from The Wisdom of Elves and Fairies cards by Gayan Sylvie Winter]

fire & glass

after little sleep i woke to the sound of a fire alarm in a neighboring building at 5 a.m. then the sound of smashing of glass. a "minor" fire, the newspaper reported.

a fire alarm and smashing glass.
it was that kind of day.

gentler (nevertheless alarming) wake ups:
*on the way to my 9 a.m. appointment delight-fully noticing relatively fresh, colorful, chalked images on the sidewalk made by little hands.
*in response to my thought, "oh spring, where are you?", i looked up and saw a planter full of daffodils on this cloudy & a bit chilly (again) day. no, i do not live in seattle; although, we are beginning to think this in this city of ours.
*feeling bella grab my hand while walking down 20th street. she said, "i'm here. i'm right here...you are not alone. you are so not alone. i'm not going anywhere." i replied with tears welling up (as they are now), "i know, babe. i know." we walked like this, hand-in-hand, for a block or two.
*walking into a store at the end of my work day, turning a corner and finding j. standing there; he was saying my name. j. is the man with whom i abruptly ended an out-of-alignment relationship in march 2006. this ending was one of a series of sudden events preceding bella's death. i haven't seen him (intentionally) since august 2006. instantly i was struck by how i felt like i was facing the past while facing him. he was familiar and somehow blurry; there seemed to be this haze covering him. i stood facing him (sturdy on both my feet and crystal clear) and i realized that i was not in the past. i wasn't living there. i faced how much, how very, very much i have grown and healed. i am here. many, many moons later. i thank the spirits.

packin' up

to heart-shaped Africa i am going. we (me & my momma) fly on friday early evening. to the land from which my dear bella's spirit rose to twirl & tango with the moon & the stars...to be of service in new ways.

here i go. it feels like i am "returning" to a land that has been calling out to me forever & ever. since the beginning & before the beginning. returning...even though i have never been to Africa in my physical body in this lifetime.

one of the gazillions of squealing-with-delight delights: taking bella's stuffed animal love that my momma, big bro & i purchased in july 1985, weeks before bella's birth. bella took her stuffed precious moments lamb love with her everywhere. everywhere except Africa. she left him for us. this lamb love is taking flight with us, too. and, no, no, no he will not be "checked."

bless you and all of your pilgrim voyages, internal & external, in the moments, hours, mornings, nights, days and weeks to come.

love is my name

here's to a day(s) lived with love. with all things, being & doing, rooted in love. love: my/our true home, temple, sanctuary...

"To say that I am made in the image of God [Goddess/Light/Spirit...]
is to say that love is the reason
for my existence, for God [Goddess/Light/Spirit...] is love.
Love is my true identity...
Love is my true character.
Love is my name."
-Thomas Merton

the universe speaks

sometimes i am speechless. without words. unable to build the structure of a word, to put it all in the container of a word(s). sometimes there is complete silence. nothingness. spaciousness. this is when the universe provides the words, speaks on my behalf, prays on my behalf, breathes on my behalf. "please send angels to hold her & keep her warm," she says. "please keep showing her the way. guiding, guiding, guiding her gently through the darkest corners, hours & days. keep lighting the sun & the moon & the stars & the candles & the twinkle-lights. guiding her home." i allow the universe to create the itinerary, look at the map & do the driving.

interesting to consider, i think: as i am a vessel for the divine, the divine is a vessel for me. we, the divine & i, are the same then, yes?

do you ever feel this way?

tiny bird

the egg hatched.
i have broken through.
here i am.

"...to be a tiny bird, with wings still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest..."
-from "Please Call Me By My True Names" by Thich Nhat Hanh