lately there are these moments (occurring with some frequency) when i experience a burst of this: i think about my life, the whole of my life, mostly the time in front of me (e.g., all of the christmases, my wedding day and the day(s) i give birth) and i can hardly be with/hold/bear the knowing that i will never again be with bella in this lifetime in her familiar physical form. [yes, there are new ways in which bella & i tango & twirl. this is true, too. and, i am thank-full. so thank-full. this piece, however, is not the piece that needs to be spoken, heard & held tonight...] it's just too big to hold that. you know? thank-fully this isn't what is being asked of me, to wholly hold that in my tiny (and, mighty) hands.
so much will change. so much has changed & in the most brilliant, healing & life-affirming ways. and, that essential piece will never ever be. the heart-ache & the heart-break of this is...oh, i just don't have the word for it. is there such a word that captures this? this love journey. that is what it's all about really. this fierce love. in the days after her death the only words that i had in the sobbing were, "i love her so much. i love her so much." this was not a revelation. no. this was something she knew/knows and everyone knew/knows. she's my babe.
i know that there is something for me to learn about these bursts & this particular part of my grief. something about not needing to hold forever in front of me. i just need to keep making my way, to allow my life force to guide me. bit by bit. i don't need to control the direction. i just need to allow. the unfolding. the mystery.