cultivating

the baking is done. the presents are wrapped. the larger tasks & creations are complete. there are still some small & medium size pieces to pull together in preparation for the celebration(s) in upcoming days. this season this year, in general, has been full of pauses, resting, allowing. nevertheless, in the past couple of days i have felt some pressure, held breath and force. my body is saying, "come home again, dear one. please come home. spend some time with me. stop doing."

last night during our witch-y solstice gathering at n's home, we wrote down what we are "letting go of" & what we are "cultivating". we burned our letting go of pages. my cultivating page sits beside me. on this 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" page i wrote "cultivating" at the top and drew a small, open heart next to it. beneath this heading are these words: grounding, rooting, breath, presence, cleansing, inhabiting my body & experience, adventure, partnership, birth, art, my work, abundance, responding, ease, filling myself up in my own skin, community, being at home, being, flow, allowing spirit.

my "letting go of" list was short and contained words like these: holding, tension, dis-ease, held breath, reacting, doing.

now i sit with a hot cup of ginger tea. the tea bag offers this wisdom: "Listen and you will develop intuition." yes, this is what the cultivating is about. inviting in spirit/wisdom or turning on my inner light. allowing spirit and listening for where spirit is calling me. i pause to ask, humbly, "where are you calling me?"

spirit, wisdom, my inner light responds, "you are called here to this sacred season. to the celebration of light & the celebration of dark. to this moment in this sacred season." spirit, wisdom, my inner light offers me a question: "what's happening for *you in this moment in this sacred season?"

this is my open door answer. i can feel my heart. i can feel bella so close. i am crying a lot these days. i am not hungry for food or gifts (or, the material, in general). i am hungry for quiet, softness, intimate conversation, connection, community, my peeps, space, solitary moments. this season touches something in me. as my heart is broken/split wide open in bella's physical death there is less standing in the way of my being touched. i am experiencing this direct flow/charge of energy to my heart day by day this season; an open heart surgery of sorts. somehow, in all of this, i feel as if i'm being made new, cleansed & healed; as if i'm being born this season. perhaps this season, at this time, i am being invited to be the one in the manger, the one who is being celebrated, honored, seen and named. perhaps it is over my red-head that a star dwells & twinkles bright. perhaps around me, surrounding me are a gathering of angels (seen & unseen), of people & animal creatures. perhaps i am the one being held. perhaps there is nothing to do but to simply be in that manger of mine and be with the wonder of my creation. that is enough. indeed.