illumination

today i wish us illumination. illumination of our hearts & spirits. a twinkle of light in whatever kind(s)/piece(s) of darkness we may be witnessing, experiencing and/or navigating in our lives and/or in the world. i wish us wide open doors.

i woke this morning to a clear blue, bright sky. i am looking forward to walking outside & stepping/skipping into it.

bless you, radiant beings.

cultivating

the baking is done. the presents are wrapped. the larger tasks & creations are complete. there are still some small & medium size pieces to pull together in preparation for the celebration(s) in upcoming days. this season this year, in general, has been full of pauses, resting, allowing. nevertheless, in the past couple of days i have felt some pressure, held breath and force. my body is saying, "come home again, dear one. please come home. spend some time with me. stop doing."

last night during our witch-y solstice gathering at n's home, we wrote down what we are "letting go of" & what we are "cultivating". we burned our letting go of pages. my cultivating page sits beside me. on this 8 1/2" x 5 1/2" page i wrote "cultivating" at the top and drew a small, open heart next to it. beneath this heading are these words: grounding, rooting, breath, presence, cleansing, inhabiting my body & experience, adventure, partnership, birth, art, my work, abundance, responding, ease, filling myself up in my own skin, community, being at home, being, flow, allowing spirit.

my "letting go of" list was short and contained words like these: holding, tension, dis-ease, held breath, reacting, doing.

now i sit with a hot cup of ginger tea. the tea bag offers this wisdom: "Listen and you will develop intuition." yes, this is what the cultivating is about. inviting in spirit/wisdom or turning on my inner light. allowing spirit and listening for where spirit is calling me. i pause to ask, humbly, "where are you calling me?"

spirit, wisdom, my inner light responds, "you are called here to this sacred season. to the celebration of light & the celebration of dark. to this moment in this sacred season." spirit, wisdom, my inner light offers me a question: "what's happening for *you in this moment in this sacred season?"

this is my open door answer. i can feel my heart. i can feel bella so close. i am crying a lot these days. i am not hungry for food or gifts (or, the material, in general). i am hungry for quiet, softness, intimate conversation, connection, community, my peeps, space, solitary moments. this season touches something in me. as my heart is broken/split wide open in bella's physical death there is less standing in the way of my being touched. i am experiencing this direct flow/charge of energy to my heart day by day this season; an open heart surgery of sorts. somehow, in all of this, i feel as if i'm being made new, cleansed & healed; as if i'm being born this season. perhaps this season, at this time, i am being invited to be the one in the manger, the one who is being celebrated, honored, seen and named. perhaps it is over my red-head that a star dwells & twinkles bright. perhaps around me, surrounding me are a gathering of angels (seen & unseen), of people & animal creatures. perhaps i am the one being held. perhaps there is nothing to do but to simply be in that manger of mine and be with the wonder of my creation. that is enough. indeed.

honoring

it is friday night. my delicious holiday break, time away from my work, began at 1 pm today. i exhale into the abundant space. i will reside in this cozy nest of warmth & twinkle-light & merrymaking for days & days. i am so grateful.

open door:
grateful, i think of the words below, which i heard for the first time nearly 10 years ago. a Blackle search indicates these words are from Ted Loder, contained in his book, Guerrillas of Grace. here's an excerpt:

"...out of the thoughts and feelings which whirl within,
I grope for language to carry to you my secrets
and all the wonders that seize my heart.
Praise be to you
for holding me in the womb of mystery
through all the eons of creation until now
and raising me to life
in this time and place.

I am so thankful to be alive—
breathing, moving, sensing,
wide-eyed, cock-eared alive—
in this mysterious instant,
at this luminous time,
on this nurturing earth,
this blue pearl of great price
whirling through uncharted space,
attended by vigilant stars;
during these days of chance and battle,
with streaks of hope and holiness on the horizon,
touched by nature’s pleading beauty
and friendship’s steady hold.

I am so thankful to be alive—
eyes in love with seeing,
ears in love with hearing,
heart in love with attending,
mind in love with connecting;
eager to miss no message of grace
in the ballet of beauty
or in the cramp of struggle
of this incredible gift of life;
attentive to all the clues of love,
daringly and outlandishly
scattered for me through Jesus’s life,
overturning habit and hate;
attentive to the dreams he renews,
the wounds he heals,
the promises he nails up
for me to step out on.

I am so thankful to be alive,
thankful for those times
when the rhythms of my life
catch the cadences of your kingdom,
when there is a lightening in me
for a moment,
when the creep of courage
allows me to dare to serve the gifts
you have put in me;
thankful for the neighbors you have put besides me,
and the possibilities you have put before me;
thankful for the surge of determination to accept difficulty
not as an excuse for passivity,
but as a goad to creativity,
as the door to abundant life,
and the seed of a peace the world cannot take away,
as it takes away so much else.

I am so thankful to be alive...
hold me always in the womb of mystery
and raise me again and again, forever,
to life,
and to love..."

such jewels in these words. what are the wonders seizing your heart? do you feel held in the womb of mystery? do you find this time luminous? do you see the streaks of hope & holiness on the horizon? what are the messages of grace you are receiving? do you feel the lightening? i wonder, dear wonders...

currently i am honoring this holy season in these ways:
*making a donation in bella's name to support the creation of a student circus at an elementary school in northern virgina. i know the ringmaster; she is a teacher at the school and a magical friend.
*drinking cups of hot cocoa with whipped cream & decaf earl grey tea with a smidge of sugar & soy milk.
*making cookies to share with family & friends. classic spritz cookies made with a cookie press in the shapes of hearts & trees, colored & sprinkled; peanut butter cookies; coconut thumb print cookies; chocolate walnut cookies; and, raisin walnut cookies.
*getting a manicure & pedicure. my toes were painted glittery red! so festive. i will have to show everyone my toes at every holiday gathering. he-he.
*allowing space for my experience & my grief. letting myself cry & cry more when i need to.
*participating in two winter solstice events. one at a friend's home tonight and another at a local unitarian church tomorrow night.
*gathering at my parents' home on sunday evening for a celebration with bella's beloved hometown peeps & her dynamite roomie from college.
*welcoming an angel guest for a visit to my city for a few days after christmas.
*attending christmas eve mass.
*donating blood this early morning.
*listening to Wintersong.

words...

words are inviting me to come in from out of the cold, to walk through the open door.

i am sitting and snuggling up close to these words, listening for the words that these words are giving birth to...

i offer you these words, discovered about an hour ago as i prepared a cup of late afternoon tea:

"Life is a
flow of love;
your participation
is requested."
-wisdom attached to the end of my yogi ginger tea bag

will you come to this love party? i'll be there.

and, these words, from Barbara Kingsolver's essay, "Small Wonder":

"I choose this: God is in the details, the completely unnecessary miracles sometimes tossed up as stars to guide us."
-p. 6

what do you choose?
what miracles tossed up as stars are guiding you today?

also from "Small Wonder":

"I believe in parables. I navigate life using stories where I find them, and I hold tight to the ones that tell me new kinds of truth."
-p. 6

what do you believe?
how do you navigate life?
what are you finding today?

weekend

this weekend while visiting with my lovelies, sa & am...

i ate yummy thai food, pad ginger with chicken. i watched the last half of Never Been Kissed with sa after am went to sleep. i went to bed early and read a good book before sleep. i woke early and sipped tea; sa & am drank coffee. sa made us a late-ish morning breakfast (eggs, bacon, fried potatoes & toast). we found the perfect virginia christmas tree at edmond's in 50+ degree weather. we hung garland and pearl lights outside. we ate dinner at my favorite mexican restaurant on saturday night; we all got carded. we decorated the christmas tree. we celebrated our "christmas morning" on saturday night. we visited with sa & am's neighbors. we lit candles and incense. we listened to christmas music; several renditions of "O Holy Night", my favorite! we laughed a lot. i spoke the truth about what's hurting these days. i cried some. we created our own new moon ritual and created intentions. i created five intentions, which included these words: partnership, at home, alive, awake, grounding, rooting, fully inhabiting, living in alignment, joy-full and true expression. sa & am gave me a special gift for the long journey i'm making in 2+ months. i cuddled with their doggie dear & one of their kitties. and, we scheduled a date for our next visit!

it's all one big open door!

answered prayer

i've been feeling swirly-twirly lately. things are a-brewin'. feeling unsettled, ungrounded and in some ways easily shaken and overstimulated. at times this week when i've spoken, it's felt disconnected from my center, my voice, reactive even. i've been withdrawing a bit. feeling some deep, core sadness. wanting to allow. wanting to surrender. wanting to let this (and, me) to just be okay, enough even. receiving the invitation to tend to my soil, the ground of my being, strengthen my sweet and fertile foundation. it's gem's time. as i write that last sentence the universe is whispering in my ear an "a-men" & a hearty "mmm-hmm". all the angels are nodding. yet, i seem to be resisting it. resisting me.

in this moment, i affirm: i am present. i trust fully that this moment will lead to the next moment perfectly (gentle note to gem, "please step out of the way, darling.").

last night, before sleep, i asked god/spirit to send me a message, to let me know what i needed to know while i slept. this morning i woke refreshed. my first thought was: i feel as though i've been washed clean, my mind and my body. i am so grateful. thank you, great spirit.

thinking of this poem, today's open door offering...

"Awakening"
from Being Home
by Gunilla Norris

"First thought-as in 'first light'-
let me be aware that I waken in You.
Before I even think that I am in my bed,
let me think that I am in You.

Eyes crusted over, mouth dry,
my creature self feels so inert and dumb.
Let me be aware that these words
searching toward You into consciousness
are also coming from You.

You are waking me out of this sleepiness
into awareness that my life, my thoughts,
my body, my tasks, my loves, passions,
and sorrows are gifts from You,
to be discovered and received this day.

Each hour wake me further to find You.
Let me relish in You, exult in You,
play in You, be faithful in You.
Let me be wholly present
to living the gift of time.

Help me to feel tremendous, unrelenting joy
which is Your constancy
and which will not let any of us go.
Wake me to You."

beauty-full, miraculous beings, may this day be filled with loving wake-full-ness, light-full awareness & complete okay-ness.

lit up

i was blessed to arrange my day in such a way that i was home to watch/experience Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah this afternoon at 4 pm. it was Elizabeth's second time on Oprah. i sat and listened and smiled, mirroring Elizabeth's smile, i noticed. as always, she was full of wisdom & grace & light & humor & play & humility, reflecting what i treasure most in my human being-ness, our human being-ness.

Elizabeth spoke of stillness and saying, "No." she spoke of having a "bigger smaller life" and knowing that she is her "best person" when she has "less on her plate." ah, yes. me, too. Elizabeth also spoke of how this book was her "word ladder", the process of writing allowed her to climb up and out of what she was in. i love this image of words stacked on top of each other, leading us up (or, through), bit by bit. speaking of writing in this way resonates for me.

when i was 17 years old and going through a pain-full time in my young life my dearest sister-friend, s., handed me a brown paper grocery bag one summer afternoon and said, "this is your therapy." the bag was filled with all kinds of goodies and the thing i treasure most about that bag (aside from being loved & cared for that much!) was being given a five-star, spiral-bound, blue, plastic-covered notebook. i wrote and i wrote and i wrote and i wrote and i am writing still.

writing is one of my "holy callings" (something Elizabeth speaks of). writing is one way that i pray. each word is an offering. writing is where i name my truth, where i come home to me and remember that i am a life-affirming, lit up, spirited, color-full, peace-full, generous, brave, pure, joy-full, healing, truth-full, loving being. always i come to this when i write, my essence.

beyond today's open door are some words offered up by the lovely Elizabeth Gilbert today on Oprah. i didn't catch all of the words. here's what i caught:

"Fill up your own self in your own skin...that becomes your offering...that alone is enough...be an example of how to live a...blessed life."

al-le-lu-ia!

i trust life completely

open door...

these words posted here lifted me up, way up, when i read them earlier today. i am a wild, whooping, complete YES to this:

"I don't know how my life will go, but I trust it completely."
-Karen Maezen Miller

oh, i do. i really, really do...

what are you a YES to in this moment?!

sunday nibbles

*today i woke in the dark, in the early morning hours, to a "wintry mix". i love a little wintry mix! yes, even if i had to drive in it to get to a work commitment this a.m.
*this afternoon while cleaning my nest & washing a mountain of dishes i listened to this man on CD. sometimes i just need a little Eckhart Tolle; this afternoon i needed a little Eckhart Tolle. do you know what i mean? his voice, presence & words are perfection when i need them most. so grate-full i am to have discovered him nearly 5 years ago.
*on friday evening i watched this movie and i watched it again yesterday. it was touching & sweet & real & gentle & hope-full.

open door...
these words from this movie blew my heart wide open: "Dear Baby, I hope someday somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight and that's all they do. They don't pull away. They don't look at your face. They don't try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it."

what are you nibblin' on this sunday?

open doors

i've been thinking a lot about advent calendars lately. i've been thinking about their structure; specifically, the structure of the paper kind. each day for 25 days (between dec. 1 - dec. 25) one opens a little door and behind the door what is hidden (word(s) and/or an image) is revealed. this is how i would like to journey these 25 days, opening the little doors and drawers of gem, allowing what is tucked away, in the dark and/or hidden to be seen, held, lit up, honored and celebrated. i look forward to sharing what's behind the open doors here, in this color-full, inviting and soft space.

and, you? care to open some doors or drawers of yours? if so, let me know what you find. happy opening & revealing!

open door...
earlier this week i had (to use some words i learned from superhero andrea scher) a "mondo beyondo" breakthrough in understanding something that i've held for so very long, as well as its impact. somewhere in my being/space i held some ideas about myself that go like this: there's something wrong with me; i'm doing "it" wrong (whatever "it" is at the time & it could be the simplest thing, anything & everything); i'm lacking in some fundamental way; i'm not okay; i should be doing something other than what i'm doing. and, here's where i break my own heart & what's underneath all of the layers i've already named: i should be being some other way.

thank-fully, i sat with a dear, healing soul and processed some of this. at one point ("the" point!), while looking down and rubbing my forehead with my hand, the tears came. i could feel the tightness in my head and i knew that what was coming next was my truth and my freedom. i paused and inquired, "what if i just let myself be?" and, the tightness broke. all of the holding. so much holding.

how 'bout it?! what if i let myself be exactly as i am right now. live my life as i'm living it. claim it and own it and inhabit it and celebrate it. and, know it as perfection. the perfection of my creation. this is my deepest wish for all of creation: may we all live the fullest expression of our divine creation.