in late november of 2005 an injury emerged in my right foot. really, it was like that. it emerged. or, perhaps, descended is a more fitting word. i literally came home from work one day and took off my comfortable/practical footwear (no potentially pain-inducing shoes for this chiquita) and experienced a powerful, piercing pain in my right foot. it felt like a bone in my foot needed to crack or that two bones were stuck together in a weird, unaligned way and needed to be realigned. the pain was debilitating.
after a bit of a fiasco with one doctor, a new doctor and an mri i was diagnosed with a stress pressure and was given a snazzy black cam walker boot to wear & a prescription for what would be months of physical therapy. this was the beginning of a series of sudden events (all in 6 months) that ripped through my life, transforming my life beyond recognition. [did i mention that days after finishing physical therapy for my right foot injury i took a misstep while walking down my narrow, steep & curvy staircase in my (former) home and severely injured the left foot?] the transformation is still unfolding.
in recent weeks my right foot has been a bit achy. it's aching on a deeper level in the past 24 hours. and, i've been a bit hysterical about it (at least in my mind & energetically). visions of me in a big black boot in africa dance in my head. [the same boot i was wearing when our beloved bella went off to africa for her study abroad program.] this a.m. with tears in my eyes and a strong desire to crawl under my desk at work and sob uncontrollably and howl i sent an e-mail entitled, "help!" to members of my community. it was all i knew to do; it was all there was to do. what i was asking for (as i realized in receiving my community members' responses) was: "please speak to me in the spacious, loving voice of wisdom/spirit because i can't quite get it together enough to gift myself with this voice. i am too busy being anxious & dismayed. please give me other words (words other than the "f" bomb!). thank you very much." [speaking of anxious, i recently heard someone define anxiety as "excitement without breath."]
so here i sit. having iced my foot, made an appt. with my beloved bodyworker and taken some deep breaths. [nearly everyone's first response to my "help!" message was: "breathe."] i am noticing my resistance. again. again & again & again i notice this: my resistance. i don't want this to be this way. i want it to be my way. my way does not include an aching right foot three weeks from when i am boarding a plane to travel to the land where my bella died.
i'm not gonna lie, i want to throw some color-full language in the direction of spirit/energy/love/light/god. and, isn't it true that spirit/energy/love/light/god is really me? so, yes, i suppose i want to throw some color-full language my way, too. we are one. it always comes to this doesn't it? no-body, no-being, no-thing is doing this to me. it is. it is life. living. being.
and, here i sit. as i am a vessel of wisdom and as it is nearly 12 hours, 1/2 a day, since i sent out my plea, can i respond to my "help!" message? i can begin.
sweet gem, you are doing a really good job of paying attention to your right foot. yes, sometimes you are obsessing. and, that's okay, too. you are listening. all that's being asked right now is that you take that attention deeper...that you tune into the listening tucked away underneath those first layers. you are excavating & adventuring. i know it's dark in there. still, i know, there is a voice in this that wants to be heard by you. i know you are beginning to hear it. faintly. and, i know that you want to find it, hear this voice and her words clearly. i know you want to cozy up next to her/these words. i know, too, that you are a bit resistant. that you don't know if you can or want to tune in. i know you're wondering: what will be asked of me? and, i want you to know: we can do this. complete the circle. heal more. i know you're hungry for it. i know that as you were reading about Rabi'a al-'Adawiyya last night that you were touched by these words "on fire with love and longing" and that you knew that this was you, too: on fire with love and longing. this has always been you. on fire. this foot thing, it's only this: you becoming more of you. filling up your own (spirit) self in your (spirit) skin. your body is a temple. these words keep showing up, yes?! we are cleansing the vessel. keep tuning in. it will all be taken care of. you will be taken care of.
peace to you all on this winter's night.