Tuesday, April 8, 2008

fire & glass

after little sleep i woke to the sound of a fire alarm in a neighboring building at 5 a.m. then the sound of smashing of glass. a "minor" fire, the newspaper reported.

a fire alarm and smashing glass.
it was that kind of day.

gentler (nevertheless alarming) wake ups:
*on the way to my 9 a.m. appointment delight-fully noticing relatively fresh, colorful, chalked images on the sidewalk made by little hands.
*in response to my thought, "oh spring, where are you?", i looked up and saw a planter full of daffodils on this cloudy & a bit chilly (again) day. no, i do not live in seattle; although, we are beginning to think this in this city of ours.
*feeling bella grab my hand while walking down 20th street. she said, "i'm here. i'm right here...you are not alone. you are so not alone. i'm not going anywhere." i replied with tears welling up (as they are now), "i know, babe. i know." we walked like this, hand-in-hand, for a block or two.
*walking into a store at the end of my work day, turning a corner and finding j. standing there; he was saying my name. j. is the man with whom i abruptly ended an out-of-alignment relationship in march 2006. this ending was one of a series of sudden events preceding bella's death. i haven't seen him (intentionally) since august 2006. instantly i was struck by how i felt like i was facing the past while facing him. he was familiar and somehow blurry; there seemed to be this haze covering him. i stood facing him (sturdy on both my feet and crystal clear) and i realized that i was not in the past. i wasn't living there. i faced how much, how very, very much i have grown and healed. i am here. many, many moons later. i thank the spirits.

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